ive been sooooooo busy sorry guys LMAO
it has been so fun tho
can't believe its already more than halfway through the term (caltech does trimesters)
i barely survived midterms!!

saturday is a little less busy than other days so i guess i'll post

it just keeps getting busier XD i pretty much do classes + homework from 9am-11pm every day (with breaks for like meals and checking messages and stuff) i used to be able to actually do random stuff (like random putnam problems) and then i had a few days a week to grind less hard like (like thurs-fri since most of my assignments are due on wednesdays) but now i have essays / extra credit due on fridays sometimes and there's just no time to take a break lmao

there's one class in particular that's kinda screwing me over the most; math 108a, classical analysis. it's supposed to be a sophomore math major class but someone encouraged me to take it in freshman year cuz then i can do research sooner or smth. its similar to hs/oly algebra, in that it's continuous and not discrete, and this is just not my math strength at all. its so easy to fakesolve problems because i can't really picture what's happening in my mind (its easier to do this with euclidean geometry and discrete math). like i'd think that a function or set has to satisfy a certain property but there's just a counterexample. ngl i am becoming more and more lost in this class but i am like barely holding on (i think i have a borderline A) (if i dont get an A then im actually very screwed) like i kinda have no idea what's going on right now but i guess i'll read the lecture notes before the next assignment is due (next wednesday)
but reading lecture notes takes so long
the lecture notes is basically 30 billion theorems which all require some very specific conditions to hold in order to apply them, but when u can apply them it's like magic and they basically nuke the problem. solving the problems is basically like playing a game of "which theorem should i apply" :/

my other math class, math 5a, abstract algebra, is absolutely amazing. i love EVERYTHING about that class. the problems feel kinda like oly nt/combo which is so awesome. the problems feel like puzzles that you have to hack away at with different tools until you discover more and more about how they work (often times what the structure of the group is). i love the prof and the problems remind me of oly (in a good way). this class is my earliest class (9-9:55am) but i'd wake up any day to go to it. it often goes at least 5 minutes overtime because everyone is having so much fun in the class, including the prof. i love it so much. i'm going to miss this class so much after it's over.

my other classes (intro physics, intro chem, humanities, and putnam seminar if that even counts as a class) are okay... i unfortunately can't attend physics lectures since it conflicts with my math 108a lectures so that kinda sucks. i'm kinda bad at physics but it's really interesting.

i think i rly need to get better at learning from textbooks/lecture notes because in the future i'm going to have to do a lot of self-studying instead of like learning from going to class.

oh btw most freshmen are on pass/fail for all of their classes but i'm taking math 5a and math 108a on grades because they aren't "freshman core classes" so thats a little scary. tbh everything is fine except for math 108a ahhhhhhhhh

also ive been kinda stubborn about working with ppl; most ppl at caltech groupsolve their problem sets (we have like 4-5 problem sets to do every week plus quizzes and essays and stuff) but i'd rather work on my own (unless it's like really close to the deadline and i really need help, which happened like once) because i think i learn better when i spend time banging my head on problems and figuring them out myself

oh yeah i'm also kinda screwed for the putnam i'm literally gonna fail LOL

ok aside from academics.... i've been having a LOT of fun when i am able to take a break from academics :))) here are some fun things that happened

• eating dinner with my dorm every weekday -- my dorm has a lot of rly funny, cool, and unhinged ppl
• camping at Joshua Tree national park with my dorm. i also tried out bouldering and did pretty badly because im kinda short and hence kinda bad at climbing up things, but it was rly fun and the view at the top was awesome
• dropping pumpkins frozen in LN2 from the roof of a 9 story building on halloween
• playing hide and seek around campus during another dorm's party where the boundaries of hiding shrunk around the party house
• "zombie night" last weekend, which was basically: my dorm built barricades in our dorm out of wood/rope/zipties and another dorm dressed up as zombies and tried to break in with non-sharp tools and their bare hands; it was sooo fun... some doors and ceiling drywall were broken

overall i am so much happier than in high school. having freedom and being surrounded by amazing ppl 24/7 is just so great.

btw i think my sleep schedule has been approximately 12:45-8:15 every day so like fine i guess... i can't even comprehend going to bed at 10 anymore though, that feels insanely early

ok i should actually lock in right now i'm kinda screwed i need to learn a math topic for CMM power round and do my putnam seminar hw and go to putnam seminar class and do a physics quiz this weekend (our quizzes are take-home) and probably also start reading my math 108a lecture notes and i SHOULD also start working on my math 5a, physics, and math 108a homework assignments which are due next wednesday because otherwise ill be screwed tuesday-wednesday and... oh shoot i also have a chem homework assignment due tomorrow

i think math 108a is actually going to be the death of me these next few days though because i have like 8 pages of lecture notes to read and i read at a speed of like half an hour per page if im actually focused
i am genuinely so scared, i hope i survive this class
oh well if things actually start getting worse i'll have to ask ppl for help which is fine i guess, i'll just have to spend even more time on it



i'm not sure when i'll next be able to post but possibly over thanksgiving break and most definitely over winter break :)

my first class will start in an hour
it’s abstract algebra and the textbook is dummit foote lol
a lot of my friends are in this class, and one of my very good friends is the TA, and i’ve heard the professor is very good, so i’m very excited lol

the past week was orientation during which we basically watched a bunch of presentations and student panels (the latter were actually pretty interesting) and got to explore the different “houses” (dorms) to see which one we might want to live in long-term (we’re moving out of temporary room assignments in about a week)

each “house” has a different culture and it’s really interesting because some of the houses are more normal, others extremely weird/quirky, some bond as communities over similarities, and some bond by embracing their differences (everyone is just so different from each other and they seem to like that). i think i prefer the second type. each house eats dinner together every day i think, so they are pretty tight-knit communities.

for the past few days i’ve been groupsolving putnam problems with some other math majors (and also other stuff like playing for the win, laughing at each other, etc.) basically every evening. it’s been really fun and also really entertaining because the other 3 ppl happen to be complete clowns. jk, they can be mature and are really smart, but they can also be clowns (in a good way) often sometimes.

i think after the putnam groupsolves started, i actually feel at home again. it’s nice to just have fun doing math problems and trolling around, and it reminds me of middle and high school but without the competition stress. i think there is generally a big groupsolving culture here, whether it be homework problem sets or random problems for fun.

people here aren’t really stressed about the putnam even though someone jokingly said yesterday that he would kill himself if he didn’t get HM like i know quite a few ppl who are just planning on winging it. but there are several people who are seriously studying (and i feel like i should do that too)

i’m still deciding between taking math 108 (classical analysis) and cs 1 (an intro cs class); i’m going to go to both today to see how they are. classical analysis will probably be harder than cs 1 so that's why i'm hesitating on taking it, but i’ve heard that it’s really useful if i want to do research next summer, so certain upperclassmen have been strongly encouraging me to take it. basically, i want to take interesting and useful classes but don’t want to die from too much work (cuz i want to still have free time for like putnam and athemath and stuff). at least i have very nice friends who could help me if needed. several of my classes are on pass/fail though because it’s the first 2 terms, like intro physics, intro chem, and a humanities class, so that’s nice

anyway things have been amazing. i think there’s a decent amount of supernerds (like me) and a good amount of cool nerds (all the rest) here, so basically any type of nerd can fit in.

actually like better than expected (well i don't really know what i was expecting)

i actually have like the best roommate ever. she's very nice and is doing MechE and is talkative and open-minded. she sleeps like 10:30-5:30 which is honestly pretty similar to my sleep schedule so that works out well. she goes to the gym in the morning which i don't LOL

classes haven't started yet so everyone's basically just chilling and socializing a LOT. there are info sessions throughout the day, some of which are rly interesting (basically the ones with student panels) and some of which are more boring (just adults talking). there are quite a few upperclassmen here to like help out with orientation but not everyone (most others are coming today or tomorrow!) they are rly nice and approachable though. literally everyone is so nice.

i've met many cool people (including like ~8 math majors in my grade?), have like 5-10 pretty good friends, and have talked to probably ~40% of my grade (there are only 220 ppl in the grade). it's rly interesting because there are like no cliques here when the freshmen first come because barely anyone knows each other previously, so for the first like week ppl just mingle and are pretty open to talking to other ppl they haven't heard of before. i think friend groups and cliques will eventually form though, and they're already kinda starting to form among the athletes because they spend so much time practicing together.
but i love how ppl don't know me for my math achievements, they just know me as someone who happens to like math, and so i'm just another normal freshman. there is no invisible barrier accentuated by orz culture like i can kinda sense exists in the math community.

i still kinda need to learn how to improve my social battery lollll like i can be extraverted for 1-2 hours at a time and then i just can't anymore and become introverted like i naturally am XD

i'm gonna need to somehow figure out how to be productive though because i spend so much time just chatting with my roommate in my room, or like other friends will ask if i want to go do stuff with them and i'll say yes because i want to make friends and stuff
i can't rly be productive unless i'm alone LOLLL
so far i've been being semi-productive for like a solid one hour every day, 7-8am LMAO cuz my roommate is at the gym
but once classes start, i'll actually have a lot of homework, and will have to do stuff like practicing for Putnam and writing problems for CMM on top of that, so i'll have to like say no to social activities and stuff...

oh another thing is... i feel a tiny bit spoiled. i've never felt this rich before. (i'm not rich.) there's like always way too much food, nice facilities, free merch... an abundance of stuff in general. i'm not really used to this.

i also still haven't really come to terms with the fact that i'm actually in college. throughout my whole life i've kinda thought (and my parents have told me) that college is kinda the time of your life, when you basically get to have fun, explore stuff and learn stuff, while not having adult-ish worries. and now that i've reached that stage, four years seems very short. but i guess it is turning out to be as great as was described to be.
and now that i think back, high school was rly hard, like mentally with all the stress and being under parental controls and figuring stuff out etc. i've heard from a lot of ppl that high school was harder than college in this way. so for everyone in high school, don't worry, you'll get through it and experience something very nice on the other side

that we’ve always used solely for sleeping, but which i’ve probably spent more time in than any other room
the pale yellow walls that greet you warmly in the morning (if you even wake up after the sun rises)
the horizontal-striped blanket that i’ve had since i was 4, before i knew what pride flags were, and won’t be bringing to college,
the bed that i’d jump on half-naked when i was 10, and hide Harry Potter books in the cracks of so that my parents wouldn’t know that i was wasting time reading fantasy
the window through which i’ve gazed out on countless pitch-dark mornings at serene blankets of snow that weren’t there the day before, while the radiator below breathed on my legs
the arrangement of beds that my mom changed up every 1-2 years, like dominoes on a 3 by 4 grid
the doorknob that my sister put way too many scrunchies on so that they always fall off and become overstretched
the clock that was once 12 numbers and 2 hands glued to the wall by my mom until they broke off, that was once small and bright red and from Target until it broke, and is now gray and also probably from Target
the overfull hook carrying lanyards i’ve collected from math camps and competitions throughout high school
the ceiling with a few innocuous cracks that i’ve stared at on countless kindergarten afternoons when i was not at all sleepy during my mandatory daily nap
the fan that i don’t recall ever being turned on, with four blades instead of five because my siblings and i accidentally broke one of them
the window panes which were once decorated with cutouts from chinese class vaguely resembling demons’ faces staring into your soul
the glow-in-the-dark sheep sticky-tacked to the wall, which i’ve rarely ever seen actually glow because they have to be recharged in the light and i usually go to sleep after it’s been dark for a while
the door that i’d open just a crack and put my ear to when i was younger so i could hear the CMU gossip my parents discussed at night
the divider that my mom bought when i was going through puberty to create some sort of a dressing room, but that i never used because 1) my siblings didn’t use dressing rooms so i didn’t want to either, and 2) it was cramped, so she eventually gave it away
the shelves and dressers that slowly filled the pockets of empty floor space to store all the random stuff my siblings and i accumulated, but most of which we don’t actually use
the room where my brother and i would talk after being put to bed, despite our increasingly annoyed mom telling us to go to sleep
where i’d go to cry, or when i really badly needed alone time
where i watched my sister grow up, from an infant in a four-walled crib to a toddler in a three-walled crib to a kid in a twin sized bed who is almost as tall as me
where the combination of clocks ticking, crickets chirping, and my siblings snoring made me never feel alone in the depths of night





yesterday it hit me that something so normal and part of everyday life would soon become an artifact riddled with meaning; every glimpse like a sugar rush of memories. like Stever House, Bryce Jordan Center, or the mathcounts nationals hotel. something that, rather than fleeting across your mind for a few seconds every day, you end up thinking about for hours on some nights…

…and not at all on others.

cool caltech-related things that have happened:

• my host for the visit weekend who was super cool, spending the time to chat with me, bringing me to meet her math friends who randomly gave me a free tour of a dorm and were actually so chill, and also cooking a drink for me (which i unfortunately didnt drink cuz i was too full oops) -- she also ran for senior class president or smth :0 (she is a senior this year)
• a junior who i didn’t rly know beforehand actually giving me SO MUCH HELPFUL ADVICE (mostly academic) for placement tests and life in general, introducing me to zpordle and spending a lot of time talking to me over the summer and teaching me math -- i now have a MUCH better idea of what to expect due to him
• a freshman, who i had some mutual friends with but hadn’t known me before, voice calling me for hours the other day :)
• another freshman who i hadn’t known before, sharing with me some EDM songs she created
• CMM staff just letting me straight-up join the management team and basically do whatever i want… they are really chill
• upperclassmen talking to me and answering my questions in the ‘28 server
• a sophomore who i knew beforehand spending quite a lot of time convincing me to come to caltech throughout my senior year of high school

Once, I had an empire in a golden age
I was held up so high, I used to be great
They used to cheer when they saw my face
Now, I fear I have fallen from grace

i sometimes wonder if choosing Caltech over MIT was the wrong decision. perhaps it implies that i’m not good enough for MIT, too much of a coward to push myself to the limits, or scared of being a little fish in a big pond. perhaps all the parents are laughing at me knowing that their kid will become a rich quant and i won’t. perhaps in a few years they’ll think of me as a high school failure who got rejected from MIT, and my friends from math competitions will forget the fact that i ever existed. in fact, i sometimes wish for a hypercompetitive environment where i’ll have to fight my way to the surface again with so many people around me doing the same thing, kind of like math competitions in middle and high school. i sometimes wish i was able to impress people including myself again, like i was at some point in high school.
maybe there’s a reason why no one else does crazy stuff like this.

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
And you don't want to know me
I will just let you down
You don't wanna know me now

i wonder what would’ve happened if i hadn’t sillied that really easy problem (tst p5). if my brain hadn’t completely crashed in the last 5 minutes after realizing that i made a mistake. i still remember that moment in the dean of students’ office, literally feeling the castles crumbling in my head. leaving the room shaking. one small change, and everything could’ve been different. i could actually have gone to events like EGMO 2024, MathFest in Indianapolis, maybe the Jane Street thing… so many opportunities to see my friends again. could i be closer to the MOP community? closer to the math community? closer to my friends?

i’m actually not that close to the MOP community though. i think the most i can say about why right now is, i put all my eggs in one basket and it… didn’t work. my best friend a year ago is no longer really my friend. and i have other good friends from like 2 years ago, but i feel a little distant from them because 1) i spent too much time with a different person so i kinda neglected them, 2) a lot of them are at MIT, and 3) i’m a different gender so experiences are kinda different. and i feel like if i tried socializing with a lot of other MIT people, the first thing they’d see me as is my math achievements, because tbh i don’t have achievements other than math, and i don’t want that to be the case. i just want to be one of them.

orientation is in a couple days and i’m trying to stay optimistic… no like fr i am being very optimistic :)))) i have talked to some of my classmates and they seem like very cool people
decisions are decisions so we'll just make the most of it