Charlene Wang, author, founder of LivingOS, and previously a product manager at Google, discusses parental and cultural expectations — and why our kids might need to break free from some of them on their path toward success.
We want our student problem solvers to be able to achieve their wildest dreams. But when parents and educators act as if there is a fixed end state to maximizing potential, those dreams can be smothered in the process.
Striking the right balance between encouragement and pushing a student too far can be difficult. Knowing how requires a firm understanding of a student’s desires, which can be overshadowed by other things — like the parent’s own desires — if you're not careful.
In this episode, Charlene Wang, author, founder of LivingOS, and previously a product manager at Google, discusses the academic expectations we have for our students and where to draw the line.
Spoken and Unspoken Expectations for Students
Students are given many spoken and unspoken expectations during their upbringing that influence the future problem solver they will become. For Charlene, the spoken expectation was to always do her best. Whether that was playing the piano, reading a book, or taking a class, there was always some pressure in any endeavor she took on. The unspoken expectation, however, was to dream really big. No matter what the endeavor, pursue it if it will make her happy.
Only through a balance of spoken and unspoken expectations can a student achieve what they want to. If either expectation starts to become more important than the other, that’s when problems begin to arise.
Pushing Students Past Initial Difficulty
It’s a common misguided belief that potential can be “maximized,” Charlene says, as if there was a known fixed end state. This can lead parents and educators to push their students too far in pursuit of this assumed end state.
The truth is we don’t really know how far a particular student can really go. While it’s important for students to always try their best in whatever path they take, trudging through a lesson they don't enjoy for months won’t be beneficial. Ultimately, the student will tell the parent or educator who they want to be.
Mindset Shift for Parents
It’s very important for a parent or educator to check their motivations when it comes to why they’re asking their student to pursue something. Some will look at personal regrets and insert the desire to accomplish that goal into the student’s path.
If the student is truly pursuing what is important to them, but they are objectively giving up too soon, try this: Challenge your student to keep going until the end of the month before moving on to a new task.
This strategy won’t burden them with the exhaustion of continuing to pursue a task that isn’t important to them, but it does help build resilience. Charlene adds that, oftentimes, when the kids actually overcome the task, they don't want to give up anymore.
The most you can be for your student is a guide — someone to answer questions and catch them when they fall. But you don’t want to hold their hand too much or pre-select their path.
Learning as a Responsibility
Convincing a student to keep learning a task they’re uninterested in, however, isn’t always as easy as asking them to finish out the month. In certain situations, that student doesn’t want to spend one minute longer on an assignment. Perhaps it doesn’t interest them and they cannot see any future where they’ll need the information.
The parent or educator knows that if the student gives up now, they may make a habit of giving up on every task when it becomes too difficult or uninteresting. So, it’s important for the student to understand that learning is a responsibility first. Try explaining to them that learning is a self-investment that will impact their personal future — not something to be compared with a fun activity like playing video games.
Next Steps Advice for Parents
For those looking to support their students but not force them into a path they don’t want to pursue, Charlene shares the following: Help the student set a goal but be okay with whatever the path looks like to get there.
When you hit a milestone, be open to taking a break; or if it’s clear that a teacher isn’t a good fit for your student, make the change. Let your students take control of their own path and see how far they can really go.
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