I woke up in recovery room and my mom gave me a popsicle very yum
it was so trippy man I was dizzy and its hard to describe
the nurse called someone and said they gave me like 100 mg of fentanyl
apparently they give fent sometimes when you go under anesthesia
idk if the stuff I was feeling from the fent or the anesthesia or both
but prior to the bronch I saw my priv school decisions and I unfortunately got rejected from crystal and waitlisted for nueva and I was sad
but after I was really chill about it like an it is what it is type thing and I was so innerly peaceful
also my speech filter was completely broken I had the urge and said some random but also kinda genuine stuff
the nurse also said that I was "the sweetest guy" on her call which made me happy and still making me happy
cause if me under anesthesia is a reflection of the genuine me then maybe the genuine me is chill like that even without dr*gs
I'm a little sad about the priv school but I feel like I've been enlightened and the happiness and inner peace I had is still kind of with me
maybe I can get this kinda stuff without drugs next time
overall it was kind of cool and trippy but don't do drugs guys its not good

I was also talking to this girl while recovering from drugs and like I said the speech filter is kind of gone with anesthesia, the stuff you want to say is said even when you're conscious of it you still want to say it
so I guess I was being genuine me and we talked for a while and now we good friends
maybe I should be chill and genuine and people would like me
I didn't expect to learn so much from getting high on fent and anesthesia but I'm glad I did
if only I could liberate myself from my cognitive limitations and achieve this level of clarity and enlightenment
I'm beginning to realize how adhd I am and am going to start trying to utilize it to my advantage because I think I can improve my brain fog and kind of fix myself
hopefully things will turn out alright for me
hopefully god has got my back
The hopes my soul bestows upon me extend up to the heavens, but consequently all futures I could encounter would leave my dreams crashing down to disappointment, for my desires have spiraled out of the realm of possibility
I feel like writing a poem rn that could capture the emotions in my heart
"Between the sky and the stone, he found a moment that wasn't his to keep, but he held it as if it could last forever." that's how I's feelin bout everything rn
but life will pass me by if I don't open up my eeeyyeeyyes
I am feeling DEEPLY philosophical and I fw it heavy
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and I tryna lock in. this better not be some short lived motivation. i feel like I can improve myself if I put in 100% and discipline 100%
I will not be controlled by ts
I want this and I want that but how badly do want it
I need to see a hundred percent