The days of my junior year are flying by fast, as my body has slowly adapted to my math-until-3-am I'm realizing it might be taking a negative toll on me. On the positive side, at least, is that I'm solving problems. Things like the first and second Lemoine circles and primitive roots are (apart from the 3-4 bottles of coffee I consume daily that is) the primary drive behind my sleepless nights. They're an outlet for me, away from the existential issues I'm facing - e.g. whether I can take the AMC, college apps, wavering about whether I want to do research/science-olympiads, my SAT scores, the teachers who I have to deal with everyday, and of course, my pathetic grades. My classes, while interesting and easy, are a constant source of anxiousness, as despite how trivial the content is, my grades have to suffer due to the idiosyncrasies of individual teachers, who in no way care about me as a person, no more than a name on his roster. While I strongly desire enrichment - placement out of my physics class, a mentor for me to conduct science fair research on, the possibility to participate in science olympiad, all of these have lead to dead ends. On top of everything, I just wish I had a friend. Someone who can listen patiently as I stutteringly communicate my ideas for an olympiad problem; someone who can I crack my jokes in front of; someone who can just sit next to me and work together. My dad is dealing with existential crises of his own, and my aunts/grandma are more worried about whether I'm well-fed and clothed than anything else. I've managed, through the hard way last year (a severe drop in GPA, skipping schools, detentions, etc.), to suppress these feelings and still find enough motivation to put myself through an intense math training scheme.

Every night, I would practice my Kpop dance moves in the shower alongside a blasting mp4 during the ungodliest hours of the night, and make sure I rap "Crooked - G Dragon" a solid two times before I sleep. I would fantasize performing Kpop on stage at MIT in front of a screaming crowd. I would fantasize myself leading my basketball team in college in scoring, as a bunch of girls cheer on the sidelines. I would fantasize myself flirting on the grass outside the MIT dome with the hot girl from my theoretical physics class, all the while putting the pickup lines that I've researched in middle school to good use.

Every night, I would go on Facebook (which, along with Youtube, I block during the school day to avoid procrastination). And I would just scroll through the profiles of those who're at elite colleges. This is how I make sure I'm constantly able to see the light at the end of the tunnel - and have a direction to keep running in.

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At school, I've been trying to not care about how others think of me. I really wish the kids were more open-minded. They don't see beyond the surface of things, and often times make incorrect assumptions about people based on a single piece of evidence as well as what they hear from others. Individuals in any environment constantly seek to upgrade their own reputation - even at the cost of degrading others to satisfy themselves, an inherent flaw in the very nature of humans. Perhaps the pressure of junior year and oh, I don't know, their future, are really getting to these kids, I guess.

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In term of girls, I've all but lost the game already. The group of STEM girls in AP who're in my classes are more concerned about their future than wasting time talking to a junior. The prettier underclassmen girls all taken, and as I've said earlier, the girls in my grade hold some form of prejudice towards me. Rip.

As a result, I've been watching videos like this and this to satisfy the needs of my hormones.

That's it for now, I guess - time for more math, and I should probably sleep early today so I don't miss my WOOT session again tomorrow (I overslept by 4 hours last week, LOL, but fortunately I've done a lot induction before so it's all good).