Today, I attempted the first (easiest) problem of last week WOOT's problem set. After 30 mins of frustration, I ripped the paper apart, threw down my pencil, having gone nowhere, and sat dreadfully.

It wasn't like it was problem ten of a WOOT problem set. It was freaking problem 1, the kind I could solve in my sleep a few months ago.

Worse, during my 30 mins of frustration, no ideas came up. No "what if I tried this" inclination. Just dread for the insane to-do list on my agenda.

This weekend, I had planned to complete the writeups of all the problems I've attempted thus far for my SUMaC and Ross applications (basically all but the hardest ones). I had planned to complete the written portions (basically essays) of my SUMaC and Ross applications so I can send them to my private counselor for review as well to my teachers who're writing my letter of rec's. I had planned to finish PAIME 3 that I had started but rage-quitted on Friday. I had planned to have a full document of research notes on the applications for our ISEF project on the metric dimensions of planar graphs. I had planned to catch up on the loads of schoolwork that I've missed in the past 2 weeks due to AMC in Hong Kong + being sick the day after + a service I attended on Tues for grandma + skipping school on Thurs to rest in for AMC. That includes a Comp Sci project, a Physics lab and test, Chem studying, a Chinese project, an English essay, Multivariable homework. I had planned to finish writing up problems + solutions for the intra-school math competition hosted by Mu Alpha Theta. I had planned to catch up on 3 chapters on APUSH reading and arrange a meeting with my APUSH teacher this upcoming week. I had planned to at least start on the Stanford Online High School application for the Linear Algebra and Differential Equations courses that I plan on taking next year. And I thought to myself, just maybe, I'll give myself some time to get back into olympiad math and attempt some problems.

Not only am I not close to completing them despite drinking 4 red bulls, my problem-solver identity has almost vanished. Where has that Michael, the one who does 5 hours of math a day and stays up till 3 AM every weekday, who pours over books like Lemmas in Olympiad Geometry, Problems from the Book, handouts like Lifting the Exponent or Quadratic Reciprocity in every spare second, gone?

Man that guy was inspiring; how I wish I could be like him.

On the Ross application, one of the questions asked
Due to the fact Ross is purely number-theoretical, I automatically thought of 1998 ISL N5, which is my all-time favorite NT problem that I solved. Unfortunately, I forgot some parts of my thought process from four months ago when I solved it, so I spent some time trying to retrace my steps.

I couldn't freaking do it.

Have I really deteriorated to the point I couldn't solve a problem I solved by myself!?

The upcoming month is arguably my busiest of high school, with ISEF regionals and AIME II within 5 days of one another, and both Ross and SUMaC applications due in just 2 weeks. Classes are getting busier by the week, and practically every week will be a hell week. There is practically zero time for me to calm down and think about math.

WHERE IS THAT ME? WILL THE REAL SHININGSUNNYDAY PLEASE STAND UP!