Gilded age
by shiningsunnyday, May 2, 2017, 12:16 PM
On the outside, things seem to be pretty well for me - I accomplished (most)
But underneath what appears to be a shining sunny day boils a storm of thoughts within me. With the power vacuum that comes with the end of math competition season and classes, I feel awfully voided.
The process of chasing a goal is in itself beautiful because it's essentially a feedback loop - every step gives you either gratification or disappointment and you can go on from there. But what's my goal as of now?
I'm not quite sure - since math was all I had and what drove me through the ups and downs the past 2.5 years. I remember the day I came back in tears from AIME II last year, I was immediately on to the 100 series the same night in preparation for this year.
It's like the criminal system - once a criminal serves his time and is released back into society, his inability to adapt as well as the collective prejudice society holds results in an ability to get a job, inability to start or continue a family, and usually the criminal ends up back in his cell.
This is essentially the case for me - olympiad problems have been enjoyable for the past year, but I don't feel it a worthy pursuit anymore compared to where I want to go from here.
I guess I'll break down my problems into several categories.
Relationship
Fitness
Academics
School
I probably am just kind of burned out - I guess I'll think more after AP-CS and APUSH this Friday.
We'll see after this Friday...
of my goals this semester (which is a lot for one semester, esp. the most stressful semester of HS). AP Chem was yesterday and AP Physics today, so now these two blocks have become free periods. AP CS and AP Stats will follow suit as well, so I have a lot of free time in my hands. AP CS and APUSH is this Friday, but after that I'm practically free - with only AP Stats left next Thurs, then the day after we're heading off to ISEF.But underneath what appears to be a shining sunny day boils a storm of thoughts within me. With the power vacuum that comes with the end of math competition season and classes, I feel awfully voided.
The process of chasing a goal is in itself beautiful because it's essentially a feedback loop - every step gives you either gratification or disappointment and you can go on from there. But what's my goal as of now?
I'm not quite sure - since math was all I had and what drove me through the ups and downs the past 2.5 years. I remember the day I came back in tears from AIME II last year, I was immediately on to the 100 series the same night in preparation for this year.
It's like the criminal system - once a criminal serves his time and is released back into society, his inability to adapt as well as the collective prejudice society holds results in an ability to get a job, inability to start or continue a family, and usually the criminal ends up back in his cell.
This is essentially the case for me - olympiad problems have been enjoyable for the past year, but I don't feel it a worthy pursuit anymore compared to where I want to go from here.
I guess I'll break down my problems into several categories.
Relationship
Disclaimer: I've never been in a relationship before.
This might change however between now and summer. I'm still not convinced I truly like her - and neither is she though we did confess the fact we both have non-trivial feelings for each other. While she's as sweet as anyone can ask for, I'm not really built for this kind of stuff - as most readers can probably infer knowing me.
So I kind of came to the conclusion it would be best to just spend more time together, but even that is now in jeopardy after I got evicted from my hotel for not having a Chinese passport (and hence not allowed to live alone). So now I'm commuting to and fro school from my regular weekend house - where my dad and aunt live, making it awfully hard to spend time with her.
This might change however between now and summer. I'm still not convinced I truly like her - and neither is she though we did confess the fact we both have non-trivial feelings for each other. While she's as sweet as anyone can ask for, I'm not really built for this kind of stuff - as most readers can probably infer knowing me.
So I kind of came to the conclusion it would be best to just spend more time together, but even that is now in jeopardy after I got evicted from my hotel for not having a Chinese passport (and hence not allowed to live alone). So now I'm commuting to and fro school from my regular weekend house - where my dad and aunt live, making it awfully hard to spend time with her.
Fitness
My confidence took a huge hit when I stepped on the scale last week (won't say much more). Perhaps it's all the take-outs I've eaten over this semester - and it certainly didn't get better after I realized my weight is increasing by the day.
Not only did I effectively commit social suicide, for the first time I feel powerless to do anything.
In contrast, the me who balled 2 hours and ran 70 mins a day
Not only did I effectively commit social suicide, for the first time I feel powerless to do anything.
In contrast, the me who balled 2 hours and ran 70 mins a day
~1000-1200 calories per run
in the summer seems like a different person. I think this says a lot about the kind of extreme person I am - I'm just terrible at finding balance in general.Academics
I've altered my course load a bit for next year - getting rid of AP Lang and doing English 12 instead. Including my online math course, I have 3 free periods now - hopefully enough to program an app or write a book? I don't know, haha.
Courses this year has been pretty bad - it hurts me to say this, but my interest level for the subjects I took didn't increase a bit due to taking the courses. As always, that number out of 4.0 always ruins the party.
Everything is fake - the teacher-student interactions, the tests, the assignments, the syllabi - everything when that which oversees the puppet show is a number out of 4.0.
When you go see a teacher after school for help, do you actually give a f*** about the actual content, all of which is a simple google search away, or are you there hoping to give him/her the impression you're a good student so he/she can write a rec for your college?
Why is it that whenever students talk about a test, the first thing they talk about is the grade, the curve, the score, as opposed to the content? Isn't that what learning is all about.
Ironically, being the mathematician who's so good with numbers, I hate it when people base their beliefs around a quantitative data rather than substance. Why, school, why?
I think next year after I get into college, I need to re-educate myself - that is, reverse the damage a number out of 4.0 has had on me, and start for god's sake, learning. Sitting on a desk listening to a teacher deliver the same style of instruction to 20 different brains with 20 different aspirations, makes absolutely no sense when it's infinitely faster to use something called the internet.
Courses this year has been pretty bad - it hurts me to say this, but my interest level for the subjects I took didn't increase a bit due to taking the courses. As always, that number out of 4.0 always ruins the party.
Everything is fake - the teacher-student interactions, the tests, the assignments, the syllabi - everything when that which oversees the puppet show is a number out of 4.0.
When you go see a teacher after school for help, do you actually give a f*** about the actual content, all of which is a simple google search away, or are you there hoping to give him/her the impression you're a good student so he/she can write a rec for your college?
Why is it that whenever students talk about a test, the first thing they talk about is the grade, the curve, the score, as opposed to the content? Isn't that what learning is all about.
Ironically, being the mathematician who's so good with numbers, I hate it when people base their beliefs around a quantitative data rather than substance. Why, school, why?
I think next year after I get into college, I need to re-educate myself - that is, reverse the damage a number out of 4.0 has had on me, and start for god's sake, learning. Sitting on a desk listening to a teacher deliver the same style of instruction to 20 different brains with 20 different aspirations, makes absolutely no sense when it's infinitely faster to use something called the internet.
School
Also a bunch of things happening at school - it's kind of hard to hide when everyone knows you. My friends are nice. The girls are cute, but I wish I could just start anew.
I probably am just kind of burned out - I guess I'll think more after AP-CS and APUSH this Friday.
i know ill be needing some
thanks
May 2018
April 2018