i can confidently label myself as an inexperienced pet owner. i've only owned two hamsters, only occasionally spend money to pamper risu with extravagant gifts, and dedicate at most only an hour every day to her. i don't have much experience overall.
so why am i so afraid?

risu is almost a year and a half old now. she is still doing well; she's active and maintains a constant weight
even gains some weight, too, much to my frustration. i've literally been attempting to put her on a diet for months now and she still hides her food and then eats all of it in one go. she showcases my eating habits perfectly bruh
anyways i've been really busy lately. having a hamster, especially a hamster that lives in a separate room, can be isolating sometimes. most days i get home late, even sometimes at 10:00 at night. so i'm knocked out and i can barely spend time with risu aside from feeding her and petting her sometimes. risu has a silent wheel.
my parents don't like her and overall don't care about her. when i was 12 and first had noozie (if some of you guys remember her), my happiest time ever was when mom, dad, and i got together in the evenings and took turns holding her and feeding her, laughing together about how cute she was.
all of that shattered when noozie died. still the day i label as one of the most painful in my life, and to this day, i can't think of noozie without getting teary. after her death, my dad wouldn't bring himself to look at risu because he's afraid to feel the pain again. my mom can't find a reason to love something that'll leave so soon anyways.

and me? i don't know.
even without my parents, my first six months with risu was heavenly. there wasn't a single day where i didn't take her out and watch her for literally hours. when my parents made me upset, the first thing i'd do was run upstairs to risu and cry, then apologize to her as my tears fell on her and well, water (salty especially) is toxic to hamsters
but after the six months, and certainly now after a year, i'm beginning to think like my parents, too (except the love part).
it's weird how i'm so afraid of risu's death. i was aware of it, as hamsters unfortunately don't live long, but i didn't know it would affect me this much. every time i look at risu and imagine her future, i literally relive noozie's death over and over again and its so hard that i cant bring myself to touch her. because i know that in a few years, i wont be able to touch her again.
i thought noozie would live forever. why didn't she? as the days pass, it only becomes more and more evident that the future only brings hardship for all of us.

'cause the world is so cruel
and you are so small....

noozie's death is something that haunts me. even the half-second that i saw her with blood covering her tail doesn't fail to shock me. and the heavy but so light weight when i carried her wrapped body downstairs to bury. how hard the ground was, how cold it was when we had to dig her impromptu grave, even though it was cold. how i feel so far away from her, but in reality, she's buried just fifty feet away from me. so where did all those memories go?

so what if risu's death is the same? will i have to experience the nightmares again? losing another pet? will it be easier because it's the second time? i don't know. i've gently asked multiple people this question, how they feel about their dog/cat/pet/whatever dying in the future, and each time, i was so shocked about how unfazed they seemed. if someone asked me that question, it would be enough to put me in hysterics. maybe it's because dogs live longer. or because they can go through the pain together, because there's someone in the family that loved their pet just as much as they did.

i want to ask you, whoever you are, a genuine question. i'm not telling my story, at least i dont think so
so trust me when i say that this, as hard as it is, is a minor part of my life. dont mistake me for a depressed and questioning teenager cuz i'm not. on a more positive side, i'm really really happy. i'm moderately busy, like i want to be, i have a great circle of friends, and in the moment, i'm satisfied. it's just that i can't help thinking of the future.

i don't know if i'm representing the small animals community or just me when i say this. the only thing i can do right now is cherish my moments with risu right now, at least for another year or two if we're lucky, and love her. i'm good at loving. it's the accepting that's hard.

free pics for all of you (:
dont even deny it, she's kinda easy to love hehe