statistics: 5 games played, 5 games lost, 2 games the other team overturned and beat us at the last minute.
yeaaaaaaaaaaah not very fun, is it? from first-hand experience i can tell you that it sucks.
honestly this took a lot of thought to write because when you're competitive and you're devoting your life to athletics, it's a hard lesson to face.
though i think it helps me accept our loss and our improvement, which is why i'm writing from a perspective few of you have related to before: playing 14 volleyball games total, and only winning 1. more about that one really dramatic game we won later.

the first game they beat us 25-0 in the second set, and even though i wasn't in that set as a team that night we all felt bad, because it's not just a bad game, it's literally a lesson telling us that we suck.
in the third set the senior citizen ref pitied us so he started calling all the foot-faults, lifts, net-touches, and itty bitty crosses so we won by 2 when a girl missed her serve, ironically the same girl that served 25 times in a row and beat us 25-0.

second game they were just really darn good.
beat us 0-3, we didn't even reach 15 points in either of the 3 sets so they beat us by over 10 points all three sets

third game we lost 0-3
no context.

fourth game OMG UGGHOESIFIOAJFOHNEIJFJESIJF
so we lost first set 23-25, then won second set 27-25, then lost the third set 22-25 WHEN WE WERE LITERALLY WINNING.
if you guys heard them cheering, you'd understand why we were so upset.
the younger grade, who was watching in the stands and would play after us, literally jumped from the stands to cheer and scream and run to the court and make a human pyramid with them. their screams were louder than the rainstorm we're having right now
because our team has severe anxiety--half of us have never played a single school game ever, none of us except 4 of us play club (including me, but it's my first year doing club).
so every time we're ahead, we overthink and make mistakes, causing the other team to catch up then eventually beat us.

FIFTH GAME OMG OMG
we played the ONLY SCHOOL we won last year . . . . and lost.
deja vu from the fourth game, we were winning by over 5 points in the last set when it was tied 1-1 and we lost.
one girl, who had anxious and negative thoughts and stuff, made 4 mistakes in a row leading to her being subbed out, but instead of subbing in a consistent server (it was 23-24), an inconsistent server was subbed in, and she missed the serve.
23-25.
half of us went home and cried.
our coach cried, because he was getting ready to be so happy for us because we had worked so hard for this, but lost it in just a matter of minutes
the other team celebrated like crazy
cuz no duh it was 20-14 then they beat us
but yeah if they knew our story i doubt they would've cheered so loud

the worst part of this for me is seeing our coach's disappointed face, our parents sighing in the stands, our teachers for home games leaving without even watching the entire game cuz they lost faith in us, and seeing the other team literally SOOOO happy and cheering their butts off knowing we'll never know that same joy
i think it's the reason why a lot of us quit, but also the reason why i come back to the court every time after a loss.

anyways here's some draaaaaamaa now cuz i know u guys love it lool
the only game we won last year:
ok we lose the first set super bad like 14-25
then we win the second set rly good like 25-14
THEN THE LAST SET
we're tied the entire time and we edge out 24-23
and then we lost that point
BUT IT TURNS OUT THE GIRL ON THE OTHER TEAM TOUCHED THE NET SO WE WON OMGGGG
all of us were so shocked because it was our first game that we ever won after six losses in a row

but then it didnt feel like a win bcz none of the other team's players admitted we beat them....
and accused our school of being cheaters.... so that kinda felt like a loss for me too ngl

anyways as much as our coach makes bad lineup decisions and keeps anxious players which always causes us to lose right when we're about to win, i think he's a good person
every time we lost like this he sat us in a circle, talked about how proud he was of us and how much we improved, and allowed us to talk to each other and encourage each other.
like "we shouldn't be in a negative space. we're ahead, we're capable, we're good, and if we know to push out those thoughts, we can pull it off."
"we shouldn't be upset about things we can't control. what can't we control? how another player plays in the game, the outcome of the game, the scoreboard, and what happens on the other side of the net. so stop worrying ;; we can do it."

but yeah.
lesson learned ;; the hard way but i think because we're such a team now and we know how losing so many times feels, we're kinder people.
this entire entry probably makes zero sense to people who aren't in competitive sports, but i hope you were able to take some lessons out of it. some parts of this, like anxiety, negative thoughts, determination, and persistence, can really make a difference in life in general, no matter what part.
yeah. we have three more games this school season, let's hope we win at least one of them!!
because by now, that's our only goal standing