This is the story of the pain I felt from my parents, my friends, the words, my thoughts, my needs.

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Dear parents, I wanted to die.

I thought you went through it all.

I thought you felt the way I did when you were a kid, too, and that you'd know how it feels.

I thought you felt this way before, the need to want to rebel, the want to do something, that ache in your heart when you're a high schooler who just lost all of her friends

If you know that parents hurt kids, then why, when you became a parent, choose to hurt your kid?

If you wanted someone who was going to listen to you, why didn't you just not have me? Why couldn't you?

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My mom used to wrap me in the biggest hug every time she would make me cry and now every time I hear her fast-paced footsteps I vigorously wipe away all of my tears as fast as I can because I look back on those moments and I wonder how I ever felt so comfortable.

My dad is so patient and he would always comfort me when Mom was mad. I wonder when everything changed and it began to be Mom that helped me when you got mad.

Is it because you quit smoking? Is it because I'm older now? Is it because you've been doing the same work for twenty-five years and life's getting a little slower? Is it because you're forty-nine, and you don't know what's going to happen when you're fifty? Is it because looking at me reminds me of your youth and you think I'll fall into the traps you did?

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I love you, but I hate you for leaving me alone. I don't have a sister. A brother. A pet, not anymore.

My dad has three brothers. My mom has a sister she still talks to every day.

Dear parents,

If you knew that having someone by your side, even if you'd fight, made things so much easier, why did you stop with me?

"We poured in so much of our love for you, we don't have any more to spare."

Everyone tells me I'm so lucky to have all of the allowance, all of the space, all of the love to myself.

Take back my makeup, take back my phone, take back my rooms and every single time they told me they love me and please,

Let me feel like I'm not alone

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A few months after he told me so,

I remember that night in December when I really wanted to die

Because I wanted to get far but I didn't have the strength to

There was so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to see

So much I was good at, but not good enough

I wished God, or whatever is out there, could just pour my heart into one thing so it would all be easy.

Because if I were to be only good at art, then my answer's just in front of me

In January I wanted to skate because I thought I'd look so beautiful in a dress I was too scared to wear even to homecoming

I walked in those doors wearing a turtleneck and skirt

In March I wanted to do volleyball, but I got cut from more than half of my teams and I wondered if it was all worth it because I was short, I was small, and I couldn't imagine that all of those beauties on the courts were the same age as me. I didn't want to. I wished I was ten.

In April I won a national art award but the man who helped me win that award had left me.

My friends were so happy for me but I went into the bathroom stall to cry because I missed him so much.

In May I did something wrong and everyone hated me for it

In August I still thought about it.

In November I wanted to math because I failed AMCs, and I smiled when I got my score because I could already imagine myself with my new score next year, and everyone would wonder how I came so far and I would be standing there with a grin on my face.

December came and I didn't know.

What if I wanted to disappear because I thought it would be easier for me, then realized it would be harder because I want to live?

How can you want to die when you want to live?

What if all of my friends come to me for advice, for a hug, to hang out, and I never have the courage to tell them that I'm just like them, that I don't know that much either? That I'm just as lost as they are? That I'm not a flashlight, and I never have been?

What if all of my friends have cried in front of me but I still can't find the strength to?

Every night I lie in bed and I imagine myself with someone I love.

I imagine that person cares about me.

I imagine myself being able to cry in their arms without shame and that the day has come where I finally can meet someone's eyes without being shameful of being teary-eyed.

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What if I could tell someone I can't forgive them?

I thought forgiveness was supposed to make you feel better but it never has.

Because I convince myself every day that karma is real and that one day they'll know the truth about you

That it's you who hurt me

But it never really does happen, life isn't fair.

I was so mad that day that I wanted to burn something

And when I finally found the courage two years later to burn something, I accidentally burned my own hand

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What if I want to do so much with my life?

When I was eight, I saw myself do so many things. I bought cars for teenagers who were too poor to buy their own when they finally got their driver's license. I sang songs for kids in hospitals because, even if I never came close to dying physically, I knew how hard it was to be stuck. I had people look over at me and wonder how I got so far.

If I can't even please myself when I was eight, how can I please myself?

Everyone knows that children are the easiest to please.

I remember that one night at a grocery store when a baby was crying, and I waved at him, and he just stopped and gazed at me and laughed. I wonder if I had a beautiful smile like he did when I was a baby, and it's maybe just that we lose a little part of ourselves on our birthday each year.

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I wonder how my change happened.

I was happy. I am happy now, too, but it's a different kind of happy.

Did I change because I found out what it's like to be so hated by someone who doesn't even know you?

Did I change because I lost all of the people I cared about?

Did I change because I found out that not everyone's on your side?

Did I change because my parents changed, and I had to hide to adapt?

Or did I change because I turned thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and 'teen has something hidden in its letters that makes you feel sad for no reason?

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I remember a time when I cried

Because I didn't know what would happen the next day

I didn't know that time could be medicine

All I knew was that I hurt

There were many moments when I replayed scenes in my head

Of what would happen if I just died

12 am I would think of everyone's tears

1 am I would imagine their apathy

I remember that very night when I wondered when the best part would come

Or if it had already came and left before I could realize it ever did

After Dad told me I was worth less than his vacuum cleaner and that he didn't want a daughter like me

But stopped

Because

What if I can still be a light in someone else's life?

What if I can still matter?

What if I can do all of the great things I dreamed of as a kid?

I knew it wasn't possible right this yet

But what if? What if then? What if this?

I must've hurt so much then

But I knew I would keep going on

My heart wouldn't go on

My will to live would

To do something good

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I think about how much pain depressed people would be in to really consider leaving forever.

I've been sad before, I've even thought about what it's like to not be here, to just disappear, but every time, it brings me back to my dreams and everything I want to do and how maybe I can be okay.

They must be in so much more pain.

To really think of leaving everything that's so pretty

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Five Pretty Things
1. My crush, who's so good at art who has such a cute laugh and a really soft touch, even though he's tall and serious and studious
2. The guy in my PE who told me he liked me, and even though I barely knew his name, he made me smile a little
3. The hamster I had when I was 12
4. The little amethyst necklaces my friends and I got to match at the fair for my birthday this year
5. This piece of writing, because it helps me release. Move on. Maybe it will help someone who's going through the same thing I went through.

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I actually had someone on AoPS tell me I'm wise. How I give really good advice. How they wished they thought like I did because it would make their life a lot easier.

I didn't know what to say but thank you, but I guess now I know.

When your father tells you his vacuum cleaner is worth more than you, you learn to put yourself first, even though you love them more.

When your friend tells the school you're a manipulative liar who brings others down to make yourself feel better, you realize that because you feel like crap, you're not trying to bring others down to make yourself feel better. She's wrong.

When your art teacher drops you because you're not good, you learn to find other things you're good at.

When someone asks you in that scathing voice what is wrong with you, you learn to love that wrong

When you watch sisters, brothers, siblings fight in front of you playfully then laugh and become friends again, you learn to make friends with yourself.

When you sing karaoke with your friends, you realize laughing without wanting to laugh actually helps.

For those who want to know how I write entries that move them (even though sometimes I really doubt it), I think my best possible answer is that you experience.

Sadly, you have to know pain to be able to help others when they need it. The person who's most comforting is the person who went through the same thing you did, but fifteen times worse. The pain you feel right now will one day help you leap a little higher.

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So, this is the end
Sometimes I still want to rant on my blog because there are times where I'm sobbing my eyes out and I want to jump off a bridge.

I mean, face it.

Everyone wants to jump off a bridge sometimes.

I suppose though, this is what keeps me from posting the 15 paragraph essay I write about how I want to jump off a bridge.

I let out most of my life story here, though there's details missing, but then again, I never thought details matter anyways. Details suck.

So, in conclusion?

I still don't know what I want. I don't know if I'll ever even choose what I want to major in for college. What job I want. Who I think I'll be with in a couple years when maybe, I'll be even happier than I am now.

I guess then again, who cares?

I just looked at yearbook pictures of the guy I like when he was twelve and laughed.

My heart's a little heavy but I guess everything's gotta lose some weight, right?

Besides, I'm only fifteen.

Might sound a little old to the AoPSers who are around right now, but it's still pretty young, trust.

I suppose since I'm still young, believe it or not, I still have a chance.

Everyone dies one day, but I think it's about how you feel in those last moments that really matter.

I imagine myself smiling and saying goodbye to all the imaginary and real friends and family.

Wouldn't that be so much better than dying with tears in your eyes when your life is just about to begin?

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Quick Note