we had a game yesterday
this made me embarrassed as hell

i feel like this is a really boring entry for people who werent there
but i like writing about life more than writing cringe stuff about yourself which i suck at doing

i dont really have anything to write about anymore so i just write about what happens in life i guess
so freshman//jv team have to do this thing called three ball rotation for varsity
we also have to fill up water bottles for varsity when they run out
anyways i went to go fill water bottles and said "who needs water"

and then the varsity assistant coach (who is 6'5" for your information)
straight up screamed in my face
i dont even remember anymore
but something along the lines of "get out of here"
i'm fine with that but when someone screams that in your face its pretty terrifying

also the fact that i brought food for my team and my coach got mad at ME because people kept asking HER if they could have some
and she was like "[flec] said they're for varsity" when i really actually said they're for our team and after our team gets them i dont give a crap about who else takes them

and continuing from part 1 my vball coach called me over and was like "[flec] i told u u couldnt jump serve last game"
and i was like "no"
and she said "ik what i say"
so :skull:

anyways i cry when i get angry and i was so mad at my coach because this is like the 5th time she's gotten mad at me the past two weeks
and they were literally not my fault
so when the assistant varsity coach, who i actually really liked, screamed at me it really caught me off guard
because ykyk when you're at your peak it's the littlest thing that can tip you over
i think that's what happened ;; i normally dont cry because of this stuff
everyone probably thinks i cry a LOT now KEK which is funny because before this the last time i actually cried was when risu passed away, which was like 3 months ago

and also that i have to suppress all the anger i feel because if i have beef with my coach i'll never get picked for varsity next year
i might even be cut if the coaches don't like me

so i was doing the three ball rotation thing for an entire set with tears in my eyes and looking like


and the entire varsity team who heard their coach scream at me and felt bad apologized on behalf of their coach
like i didnt even know half of these people and they were being so nice and i also cry when people are nice
but i also hate crying in front of people for me it makes me feel really vulnerable and i don't really like being comforted by people i dont know//trust
i'm really good at not letting tears fall though, unfortunately my eyes get really red easily so even if i don't actually cry in front of them it's pretty obvious i have been :/ i was doing rotations too so i couldnt run to the bathroom or i'd be yelled at for the third time that day
it was hard to hold them in when some people are staring into your soul literally trying to find out if you're crying or not and as an awkward-in-this-kind-of-situation person i genuinely wanted to be like "please shut the hell up im trying not to lose my crap here"

anyways that was a hard but fun day i guess even though varsity did end up losing
it was fun to watch

after the game (wondering literally what makes coaches mad)
and then flash forward to today when my coach gathered our team over and yelled at me a second time for the same thing
like by now i dont even know what i did
i promise i'm not a problematic person ;-; i speak up when something's wrong ;; i'm not super super quiet, but i literally swear that i dont do things like that. i know when people dont like me and i know when people are upset..
my coach will be so kind to me one moment and then the next she will suddenly be screaming at me..
it's literally just me too and my teammates even know it and dont understand

i'm not gonna lie, my coach gets angry and takes it out on other people
like she said that she was angry because of the biologically male people on the other team last game
but that's still no excuse to yell at someone for something they didn't do, even if you were angry
i literally brought food for the team and she was so happy, and then the next she was angry because people were pestering her
so she decides to yell at me because i'm the one who brought the food and apparently didn't have "clear enough instructions"
i don't get it
don't find people to yell at because you're angry
don't find people to blame
it genuinely doesn't hurt to try to calm yourself sometimes
i don't want my coach to bottle up her feelings--i genuinely don't
but i have a problem with people who take out their anger on other people, and this past two weeks it has been me
i don't like to acknowledge this kind of thing but it's gotten upsetting and other people have noticed it too
it just sucks because i can't even talk it out with her because she gets so angry and she's not accepting of other viewpoints

it was really embarrassing to be crying because someone yelled at me because trust me i haven't done that in a long long time
but after everything that happened between my coach it's really confusing and honestly upsetting because she's the one person i really want approval from and rarely get it
my coach will compliment people for being such sweet//good people, good teammates, good captains..
i'm literally one of her captains too and she will never acknowledge me as one, she acts like i'm not capable, she thinks i'm someone who won't listen to her..
i used to be really excited for practice
and honestly practice now just makes me sad because everything's the same
the only acknowledgement i ever get is "good swing" or "nice hustle" or something like that
i never have had a conversation w my coach before and she rarely says my name now
it's just all about volleyball
as someone who looks for depth with character, as someone who wants to find a friend in my coach, it's just honestly hard to hear the same thing from my coach all the time. "good swing" "good serve" "nice hustle"
i dont feel.. the depth or the true meaning anymore
it's just the same all the time

thanks yall for reading
i know it's not fun reading about people getting mad//being dramatic and i appreciate you guys taking the time if you made it this far
i overanalyze things to find depth in them
i'm sure it was hard processing all the thoughts i just wrote down
so thanks