i start school wednesday and its just been a hard month, with some words
that i’ve kinda been thinking about

my blog has kinda been the place i ramble my own thoughts

i have rigorous work this year, at least in my perception of things
i’ve had plenty of people tell me what i have in set for me sophomore year isn’t all that much, and i agree that theres people out there doing more, but its kinda overwhelming jumping from 1 ap to 4 aps, having to dive deep into topics that are frankly not my area of interest, etc

i’ve been tryna accept the fact how repetitive life is
one year’s gonna fly by, lots of nights listening to soundtracks trying to remember the past again

i remember when i was a kid and my parents would praise me for smiling
sometimes it kinda hurts to think about these times cuz nobody cares much other than school these days
i visited korea and too 6 hours classes for ap physics, calc, and sat prep along with self studying periods from 7pm-1am, which was lowkey extremely a hit on my mental health especially while separated from all my friends and struggling with tryna satisfy myself and others

it hits when you go from a “hi, wanna play minecraft” “youve grown so much” to talk after talk about college, the future, what i have to do, all the extracurriculars
my family was talking about how i have to set my extracurriculars to impress colleges
all i was thinking was, i genuinely don’t care about impressing colleges. of course i want to go into good colleges, that seems to be the focus of everyones attention and the pinpoint that separates you as a failure and a success
why can’t i do what i love while i can? i don’t care about some stupid newspaper club, aps, or even amcs
just repetition after repetition is exhausting sometimes

i come back from korea, and its kinda satisfying to not have to do work for once, but i found out that i really don’t feel as excited or anything as i did before i left
i have a lot of fun with my friends, then night comes and i’m lost in thoughts again
in the end, its just hangout after hangout, while everything changes
i remember being somewhat interested in life, excitement in every day, before i left, and i can’t help but really want that back

i study to pass the time and to distract myself, then find myself unmotivated, unable to focus, not taking in anything i’m studying, and it’s iffy, because i can’t fall behind while everyone moves forward

my parents have grown really unsympathetic as they hear about everyone’s kids studying so hard, successful
they say theres no pain without gain, but if there was a way to ease the pain at least a little bit, why can’t we take that path?
in the end we die, and i doubt all of this will be very important.
i want to live in the moment with excitement for the future, live through moments knowing theres better, and just live without fear.
the sudden change from the people around me have been too fast for me to adapt to, and thats been really hard
because it just seems like yesterday when my parents told me “all my hard work had paid off”.

and theres now more work and another hill to leap, but i already ran out of gas on the last hill



i hope itll pass, all the feelings.
maybe ill find out that theres more than just having to push myself to impress everyone else.

physical health is also important to good mental health, everyone!
i lost like 15 pounds over the summer from just forgetting to eat, too much heat making my appetite cooked, and just being too tired to get myself anything. i’ve been investing some time to volleyball, and sports really helps. you forget a lot while you’re passionate.
my parents have been yelling a lot because of my refusal to eat, but to be fair its hard to bounce back that fast when youre not used to eating 3 meals hahah
if theres anyone else who went through the period of life, leave a comment, thanks

i hope feelings like this are temporary, because pushing through because “it’ll be over” is a motivating thought, but theres really only a certain amount i can wait with hope

i’ve never had such a hard time, because when i had a hard time, there were loved ones with me, and now i have to learn to support myself, because everyone apparently becomes an opp now

someone please tell me motivation comes back, you learn to hop fences alone, and things become fun

i really really hope this school year brings back enough repetition, interaction, and support for me to find a nice path again. that’d be nice

i feel like this will be my last blog entry for awhile, but when i come back, hopefully i can laugh over this! be like, dang, everythings so fire now, lifes cooking. i can’t even remember how i felt back then. i hope i can gather enough motivation to study conistently throughout the year, and not be overloaded in may. i hope ill push through all struggles, come to the teachers for help, advocate for myself and others, give a smile to a stranger, what not

9/2/2024