three of the passions i saw myself chasing, only one remains

when i want something, i want it. i daydream myself doing it. i see myself ten or fifteen or so years later looking older, ditching the curtain bangs i have right now and looking more mature and confident.

sometimes it doesn't work out, but i still have so much hope and i hope i never lose it because without hoping and having something to reach for life would really suck for me.

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2011 - 2018: disney movie director
i was obsessed with disney movies and creating stories. if you still look behind my desk, there are stacks upon stacks of little books (over fifty) i wrote and illustrated as a kid. most of them are just 15 pages of print paper stapled together and decorated but i really poured my heart into these. i used to bring them to show and tell.

i think the best story i wrote at that time was in korean. i might share it on this blog later! it was about me suddenly floating up into the sky and leaving my family back. the title was "하늘" or sky in korean. instead of being sad, though, i hung out in the clouds and when i was that age i imaged clouds as cotton candy so in the story i was eating clouds lol.

anyways i loved the creativity of the movies and was really inspired by them. i wanted to direct one one day.

2019 - 2021: exotic vet
i wanted to be a vet because i always loved animals a lot, especially little rodents too. after i watched noozie die i gave up on the dream. it would be too hard to lose so much, even if you save. i don't think it would be the right job for me although i really do respect the people in the veterinary field.

jan. 2022 - aug. 2022 : author
i wanted to be an author after reading a lot of books i wrote and i was also very obsessed with writing at the time.

however, books were... too boring. it took so much effort to write something meaningful and i couldn't find it in my heart to create when i really didn't have much experience or ideas to write for. i went for so many mature ideas that i thought could win readers over but really, i couldn't, because i don't know too much. i don't really know what it feels like to truly suffer. i don't know what it feels like to lose someone (i do, but i've never lost like a person i know before and only pets). i've never been to a funeral. i've never had a terrible terrible terrible panic attack before.

really, it's creative ideas that can help me be the best writer because trying to chase after topics that i can't execute will make it not sound like my writing. i found out that my writing is creative ideas. maybe writing in a human's pov or a real-life situation isn't the thing for me. maybe i need to go more in depth.

aug 2022 - present : movie director/script writer
i found the gap that filled everything.

i can be creative while having experts by my side to execute the things i can't do. i can write while seeing the story unfold. i can make music, i can make art, i can write, i can make things dramatic, i can do everything i do best.

my inspirations (believe it or not because they are a little but childish : movies like inside out, up, and paddington. toy story. ratatouille. like look at the creativity. who can imagine that there are little cute spirits inside our brains like joy, sadness, and fear that control our every actions? who could think to draw anger in such a brick way, shape disgust like broccoli, and have sadness be the one to rule in the end? sadness as the main character, in a way? who can think of a house floating with millions of balloons because a man feels lonely and wants to make a journey? who in what mind at what time of the night thought of the idea to have toys come alive? with all of the pretty music in the background like married life, bundle of joy, you got a friend in me or something... being able to watch that unfold, watch our ideas come true, it would be like a dream.

it might be movies for children but i genuinely think these are the true masterpieces

i hope one day i can make them, too

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