or does it get worse until you get struck by an epiphany that tells you to get everything together and do things?
or do you have to work towards it little by little
or does it never get better?

i know a lot of aopsers can probably relate to me when i say that i have severe procrastination issues and also motivation issues as well. i only want to do the things i like and it's become a problem. i think i can say that i'm good at adapting, but one of the things that keeps me from being able to confidently say that is that the weeks after break or a big test or just pouring my energy onto something, i can't get things back together. i can't bounce back, and i need so much time to just do nothing or enjoy what i like to do that by the time i'm ready, there's workloads that i need to do that i can't.

i end up using the answer key to solve all of my math practices even though i know i should stick to it because there's so many questions and i don't want to do it.
i search things up before working them out on my own.
i just don't do things early. we have daily videos in our ap class and i do them all on friday, saturday, and sunday.

my parents have really been getting on my nerve about this. they tell me i'm going to fail. that when i get to two or three ap classes, i'm not going to be able to do well. i'm afraid that they're right because although i've been getting good grades in math for now, as the curriculum gets harder and harder, i find myself struggling. for the first time, i didn't know what i was doing on a test. my performance levels have been going down in subjects where i actually have to think and understand.

i made it my goal to make aime next year, but i feel like that's not even reachable when i'm just reading through keys, promising to solve some problems, and then never solving them. at this rate, when the amc will likely be harder next year, i feel like i'll do worse than i did this year or the same, and it will be a sad end to my last year of amc 10. the "easy way in".

even just passing my ap class. they say to work steadily, but i can't even work. i got so used to middle school where i didn't have to study at all and still got a's that when high school came, i'm so not used to the daily work that i put it off.

i waited for a long time because i thought that with maturity would come motivation and i would get better, but i lowkey am starting to think that it will never get better. i got tested multiple times for ADHD, ADD, and even got an IQ test but all of those results were either mild, negative, or unrelated to my poor motivation and time management skills.

my mom yells at me every single day, draws big x's using red pen on all of the doodles i have on my notes sheets, but i can't even remember what day i have what unless i have interest in it. and it sucks to be in class and it's free work time, and everyone else is working hard to finish something and you're staring guiltily at the survivior.io game you're grinding.

for now i get better grades than those kids who are working steadily during the work times, but as things change, i know i'll fall behind. but why can't i do anything about it?

even now, i find the motivation to write blog posts like literally every day. why can't i spread that motivation onto math, apes, and just doing work? i feel satisfaction when i do work. i just never do it.

i learned about intrinsic motivation. that if the process is good, you'll enjoy it. why can't i have the passion for math? for science? for any school subject? why does all of that passion have to be 100% poured into playing video games, reading comic books, texting friends, sports, other stuff i'll never need to succeed in school life which i'll need to succeed in life itself? every day when i'm working on a worksheet due in an hour and people are like "oh you haven't done that yet?" it just feels like eating a triple chocolate cheesecake while on a diet.

as you can tell, i have another really bad problem with being concise. that's why i always include a: tl;dr: i suck at being productive and i am going to fall back if this continues. send help please