i don't know anyone else who doesn't like her because they're all over how nice she is, how she empathizes with you and understands if you can't get in an assignment on time or something.
in that way it kind of sucks because you can't even talk about it to anyone because everyone i mention it to is like "but she's so nice."
it also sucks because the other science teacher is so much better, even if she's stricter and doesn't have as much of a filter i like that. she teaches her students more and pushes them more.

of course i'll never know what she's like in real life because i only know her as a teacher
maybe she's a real honest person and maybe she speaks more on what's on her mind.
maybe she's nice like she is as a teacher but isn't afraid to talk about what's right and wrong for her.

that i don't know, and because i won't know it really sucks.

---

i talked more on what happened on my private blog and don't feel comfortable going into detail here because obviously it's public and i'm very wary, even though there's like a 0.00001% chance she'll ever see this.

still, i think this is a good way to summarize.

is it being nice if you're not so nice behind their backs?
is it really okay if you tell them it's totally fine, then not to worry about it, then cause problems on it later?
is it being lenient if you don't teach us the material as well as others? they literally have more quizzes, more study guides, and i had to go to the other teacher for material and review sheets because she didn't give us any.
is it being kind if you say everything's okay but you know it won't be okay in the future?
is it true amiability if you're nice to their face but you're judging them so harshly in your head and you make it so obvious but nobody knows but me?

is it right to say everything's okay, comfort them, smile, and then go back and get them in trouble?

get me in trouble?

maybe i wasn't in actual "trouble", but it freaking sucked and it all could have been avoided. she didn't even ask me what happened, and what she thought happened turned out to be wrong. she's still so smiley to me and friendly and i hate her so much for it and it sucks to look at her because i know what she's thinking beneath that smile now. she knows it and i know it and she still acts like she cares and that she likes me. she clearly doesn't. i can tell when someone's fake to me. if your "i care about you" words aren't gonna light up with your eyes, then don't say it. just don't talk to me at all.

---

sometimes it really sucks to be good at reading people because it frustrates you when others can't understand.
it's like being able to see into the future--you know what's going to happen but you can't do anything to stop it.
every time someone says "she likes everyone" "she's so nice" "i'm her favourite student" and then the no i am arguments begin it really feels kind of defeating. she is nice. she does act like she likes everyone. but what about all of her thoughts deep down? she's so good at hiding it but i can feel how she feels and i wish she doesn't have to be so discreet about it. i wish we could have honest conversations. i wish she wouldn't block out everything to us because we're tricked and it's not right.

why couldn't she have told me herself that she wanted to make sure that everything would be okay in the future?

i would have told her
no, this won't happen again.
no, this is what really happened.
no, i won't and didn't do harm.
no, you don't have to take this to a serious level and take it to someone else.
no, i didn't.
yes, i'm fine.
yes, i understand.
yes, i care.

why can't she talk to me instead of having someone else be honest for her?

---

as much as the person she took it to was like "it's totally okay" or some other detailed words that were so kind i literally cried, her opinion on me has changed and it's upsetting because it could have been avoided.
only if my friend hadn't screamed and made everyone think it was me,
only if everyone could have seen what really happened so that they weren't so quick to judge,
only if she had thought to ask,
only if i would have assumed the worst and told her everything,
only if i would have gotten sick that day or something and never went to school so that this never happened. it did. i'm not complaining because i met an amazing person and i learned new things but it's a bit bittersweet.

i learned that you need to talk. i learned not to do stupid misunderstanding-worthy things. i learned that our school's vice principal is just right and that he's kinder to me than my own mother is lol.

it sucks we'll just be side-eyeing each other for the rest of the year. maybe things will change. i hope they will. but it's not really about whether she likes me or not because i don't care about that anymore. more about whether we can trust each other again. there's a difference between like and trust, and i don't want to be seen by her again. i want her to avert her gaze from me because honestly? that would be better for both of us.

at least for now.

there's a lot she could learn from teenage students like us. her friendliness might make her more well-liked than the other teacher.
friendliness isn't genuine kindness because you can fake friendliness but you can't fake actual good. i don't think she's a bad person but it sucks that she has to hide from her students and if she ever read this she would deny it but i can tell.

but i still wish i could earn her trust back because it sucks to be living your life then turning around and seeing someone staring at you because they're scared of what you might do.

i promise i'm not a bad person, though i can't promise if i'm a good one.

afterword