high school story || sorry boys this might be weird
okay so
as you guys know
i've been fifteen for two months now
and so today when my friends and i were getting ready for volleyball
i took off my fat jacket that i had been wearing the entire day because it was raining the entire day and was like 40 degrees

i had like a t-shirt underneath
and then my friend suddenly grabbed my hairtie and tied like the back of my shirt so that it's tighter
and then like somehow made it a crop top
and then asked everyone how i looked
and then she was like "you should do this more often [flec] it's about time you learn how to embrace your body"

she went on about how i have an hourglass body (i dont she's delulu) and that by wearing crop tops and changing my style i'm learning to mature
she also said it was time to ditch my glasses and get contacts (i only wear contacts for my volleyball games rn)
[okay but the girls with thick eyeliner and those false lashes genuinely look sobad]
wear like more makeup that stands out (*cough* i only wear concealer, blush, and highlighter)
and buy new clothes

and the entire time i was like
"i only wear baggy stuff because it's cold"
"you're literally younger than me"
"shut the hell up u 2009'er"
"how the heck is wearing crop tops related to loving your body"

but then again this made me think a little more ;; face what i never really thought about before
all this time i've watched as my friends matured. they changed, both in appearance, personality, and character. they're a lot taller now, more developed, wear different clothes, and some of them even look rly different
because i was redshirted as a kid due to me being socially awkward i'm one of the oldest in my grade, but yet i'm still here growing 1 inch every year, wearing the same crap, and caring about the same things
none of my friends care about sunday cartoons, roller skating around the park, sleeping over and scrolling tiktoks, and sneaking out to take a walk to mcdonalds at 1 am, that kind of stuff
except for some of my younger friends, a lot of them are all about boys, makeup, and hot actors

i'm the oldest in my friend group, yet the youngest, in a way
sometimes it feels weird to be getting advice from my friend like i did today, because although at the moment i was just like hmmm idk man
i think twice, and, bruh she's 14 and i'm 15, and she's the one telling me how to have the glow up and rizz up my crush
who, btw, is talking to someone else as i'm too much of a coward to appeal to him that i'm interested
like i know it's only a year difference, but we're only freshmen
shouldn't i be the one giving the advice to her? i've experienced more than she has, even if it is only a year. when you're 12, 13, 14, 15, i think one year is a big difference

i think a lot of you guys are familiar with the quote we never say out loud, "my friends move on and i stay behind."
i'm still like, there
but friends, especially like the one i just mentioned, think i don't have common sense, that i'm immature, that i'm just one happy freshie who doesn't have thought behind character. they call me book smart, but never street smart, and not once has anyone ever told me they think i'm mature and emotionally available. i am emotionally available, just not the right person to talk to about your 500th boyfriend this week
it's weird--i could talk to you about your family relationships or literally anything, but you think i'm not available just because i don't want to listen to you swoon about your new crush because i think he's a jerk
i could know everything there is about life, but i don't have common sense because i haven't had a boyfriend yet
i spend hours being next to them, dealing with them when they're having off days, and just literally be the friend that you have never fought with in your life, and i'm second best because i'm not interested in the same things you are

but really, if they got to know me, they would know some things:
i like wearing makeup, i just wake up too late to be able to wear some on time
i own cropped shirts, i'm just too cold to wear them
i do care about my clothes, i just don't wear laced tops when it's pouring outside
i'm interested in boys kek i just don't talk about them
though i dont really fight because i'm too lazy, i judge people and yes i do hate a lot of people

i literally share so many similarities of a high school jerk
AND them
they just dont think i do

i want people to have a different opinion of me than the smart kid who's nice to everyone but doorslams people she hates

being honest, i'm pretty well-liked and i hang out with a lot of people because i act like i don't judge people and i'm pretty friendly with everyone unless you did something to me
the sophomores think i'm cute and call me "their little favourite freshie"
the freshmen think i'm nice, smart, and a little craycray sometimes when it comes to sports
the adults are just like "kkay she never really talks to us so whatever i dont care unless ur mean to my kid"
but, sometimes it makes me think
i would definitely be okay with being less well-liked if it meant that people would like me for who i was
dear sophomores--i got redshirted, i am LITERALLY the same as you so stop calling me cute
dear freshmen--kkay those are the most basic words you could describe a lot of people with. where is the depth that i want because i'm a greedy, petty, and demanding person
dear adults--maybe i would talk to you if you had less of an rbf

the other day, my friend said "i think you're blunt"
and even though it had no context and nothing behind it and i'd never heard anything like that before
it made me so happy
because she was absolutely right

so, going all the way back, would tying up my shirt with a 10-day-old hairtie i found in my closet make people think i'm more mature?
would gathering the laziness i have inside me and doing my makeup and making my lashes look like spiders make people want to get to know me?
if i got together with the boys that like me, even though i think most of them are complete jerks, would people think i'm experienced, mature, and full of common sense? even though we're only high schoolers?

maybe it is time for a glow up, for me to be happier

but maybe it also isn't, because i simply don't care

aaaaaa