tips i've collected from personal experience, upperclassmen, and nerd emojis
will do a part 2 on ap tips after i've finished locking in for them
and hopefully a part 3 on college ap tips... in like two years lol who knows if i'll be on aops then anyway

hopefully these are tips i can use/apply for myself in the near future as clearly i'm not applying it right now
fool me one time shame on you
fool me two times can't put the blame on you, i guess
(j cole)

1. balance between enjoyment / "in all seriousness" mentality
i'm seriously all for getting to learn more than your actual topic in order to learn more overall, if that makes sense

ex going further with ap physics 1 and studying integration (ap physics c), which can be more challenging and entertaining, while overall this information helping ap physics 1 back again

also using silly informative videos, like "all of physics in 14 minutes", extra history, or flipping physics, which i personally show some great favouritism towards

but, it's also important to recognize when you should lock in and when you can stick to sillier ones. that's why i usually tend to stick to locking in to establish my contextualization and basic understanding and watch the funny ones in order to better understand it, make good connections, while allowing myself a break at the same time! besides, the jokes are funnier if you're already somewhat familiar with the content

2. free time balance
to me this is a really significant on not just being more productive but improving the quality of the work you do while you lock in
personally, it's better to do 1 hour of straight productive work versus 3 hours of just sitting there and doing work on and off

if there's something that's really on my mind, i use the "3 times a day" rule, where i allow myself to give into what i want 3 times a day. ex if i want to hang out with my friends for a bit and that thought is getting in the way of my productivity, i let myself do it. i usually divide the 3 into like one big two small, like the other two would be getting up to get a snack, etc

it helps me to keep myself in check on how productive i am while allowing myself freetime so i don't get too burnt out

3. usage of music into studying
this is a big one that i feel like goes unnoticed a lot! i know that a lot of people use music as a motivator or think it "helps them study", but as a former victim of this mindset, i'm going to inform you that it's not true. our brains aren't wired to perfectly multitask, so while listening to music you take away the effectiveness of the other thing you're doing.

for physics nerds, it's kind of like momentum--if you have a total momentum, you can transfer it to another object (in this case, essentially listening to music) but because momentum (your study capacity) is conserved, you lose the momentum on the other task (the task you really want to accomplish)

but of course, studying does get boring often, so i think it's important to choose wisely on when to giveup some of that capacity in order to save yourself from burnout

i think that matters in the context of:

what type of music you listen to
if i choose to listen to music, i tend to stick to quieter music or music that i'm already familiar with, so my brain doesn't register it as much as a new song
some artists i listen to when i'm studying are billie eilish, sza, or minecraft music () because i'm super familiar with them and even if they're not my favourite hype artists, can keep me chill and motivated
it's also good to stick to music with non-lyrics, obviously, but i still enjoy these artists as they're more on the calming side and don't have weird lyrics that stand out especially

when you listen to it
never listen to music when you're in complete lock in mode, like i said before
here are some tasks that i feel like are ok to listen to music when doing:
- drawing / sports
- cleaning (ex you need a break from studying so you decide to clean your area--turn on some music)
- self-grading yourself on a practice mcq
- looking over your planner for the day or writing it out, sending emails

here are tasks that i feel like you shouldn't listen to music to while doing:
- self-grading essays
- taking notes
- watching a video on a subject (audio over audio, seriously?)
- literally any other task that wasn't on the list above

4. food/meals/snacks
so first off, don't skip meals while studying. your brain needs a break anyway, so i'm a firm believer that during meal time you should put your work aside and just forget about studying while you eat. literally it could be the day before the AP exam and i still believe you shouldn't skip meals. if you really want to get extra reps in, you could talk to your parents or your siblings or to yourself while eating about whatever your studying about, like tell them the process of archduke franz ferdinand's assassination or whatever. but any work shouldn't follow you to the table--it helps your body focus on eating to get you the energy you need while letting your brain take a break, too

snacks: don't eat snacks that are like, high effort--ex chips that can get all over your hands, snacks with a ton of plates that need to be washed afterwards, super sugary foods that you spend more time enjoying than actually studying

i like bringing healthy food so i feel more ego-boosted (like dang, i really am healthy and not a big back after all) and i can still focus on my work since i'm not basically worshipping whatever i'm eating. focus on the packet, not the pocky is my go-to line now

---

super weird how i give all of these crazy tips and i'm still not a very productive person

but, then again, the real productive people are the ones who shrug when you ask them for productivity tips

all us cursed ones seem to have the best tips

breakup tea / random thoughts about old aops / school / whatever

whoa two entries in 8 days! never thought this would happen for awhile. though there's been times in the distance past where i posted everyday.. ah. good days

so who told me i was really out of shape! core workout yesterday (aka 2 minute plank and a couple dozen pushups and a lot of jumps) and my stomach has me crippled. must be getting abs... jk i'm being delusional

anyway i've doomscrolled for a bit, played chess for a bit, did some homework, drew a little.. so now i get to write a little! i kind of realized how fun blogging is

---

start in hot with some tea! (as i'm drinking some)

so a few months ago i wrote about my breakup (the day it happened) and i realized i never left an update. a ton went on and usually i write it on the blog but looking back i was like, no way, i haven't?

long story short he did not really take it well at all.. it was like a straight two weeks of constant arguing until it got angry and he would be saying some things that were... uncalled for to say in the least...

so afterwards (thanks to my middle school bullies for teaching me how to stand up for myself) i blocked him and removed him from my instagram and stuff but before i did that he was like apologizing and telling me that he had something for me and that he hopes one day i see it when the time is right. i don't think too much of this, i'm like "ummm you just called me [this and this], so byeee"

forgot that when we used google docs to communicate after my phone got locked, we named it "AP lang" so that it would look like i was doing homework (oops). so when i was actually trying to do my AP lang homework and clicked on it, woohoo, i got greeted with not 5, not 10, but over 20 pages of straight diss/nostalgia/basically all 5 stages of grief.

okay so that got settled after, then two months after he removes me from the calculus groupchat i'm in with a ton of the calculus students and insults me in front of the whole group when asked why he removed me. so people try to add me back then he removes everyone's admin abilities (the group just had everyone as admin) and turns on join requests so that no one can add me back. thankfully he forgot that there's a group owner who still has admin rights who added me back later but yeah

ok before anyone goes "what did you do that made you say this", 1) we had no problems until i brokeup with him, and 2) boi my husband could cheat on me and i wouldn't write a 20 page diss essay because 1) why would i he cheated on me i aint wasting my energy on it and 2) just escalates stuff anyway. i promise i'm not that mean guys

whole thing again. he later on sent me a huge paragraph that he did all of it because "he loved me" and that "love is beautiful" and that the outcomes weren't his intentions. i told him to stop glazing himself and that someone could be 30 seconds broken up with and still have the decency to not say what he said to another person. i told him i appreciated our relationship but that i really wasn't going to talk things out any further and that i believed in mutual respect even through disagreements and that since he proved he wasn't doing that, he shouldn't talk to me.

haven't talked since.

doing fine, until this stupid stomachache. thing about having a good immune system is, when you actually have some sort of pain, even if it's as mild as a cold, you'll be bedridden for hours

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random thoughts about aops:

i kind of wonder sometimes when i'm on aops what's happening with a lot of the friends i had here a long time ago. it's crazy to think that it's been like 3-5 years now! i can't really log into aops without seeing my friends list. i remember this old friend i used to have on aops and i knew her real name since we were pretty close. now she's not active on aops anymore and i endedup forgetting what her name was, so i can't even try to find her instagram or tiktok or some sort of social media. which is super sad... i hope they're doing well!

crazy how sometimes we don't even know it's the last conversation we're going to have with them. scrolled through some pms and the last message was something like, "ok, see you tomorrow!" or "call you back later", or "ttyl" even. some messages i swear i remember sending just a few months ago, but when i checked back it said "2023" or "2022". insane.

i've been on here, though a little inconsistently at times, through my worst and my best. also insane. i look back and i'm like, dang i was so happy then, then i scroll some more and i'm like oh dang glad i'm not like this anymore

---

school, i'm bored so let me rate my aps
ap physics 1: 1/10, the few times i'm actually understanding it and having fun with the dopamine rushes are very rare, teacher can't teach, but we got her to say "fish" instead of "alpha" so i'll give the class a point
ap world history: 9/10, love the teacher so much, love the class and how it teaches you intellectual things, background information, ethics... -1 because dbqs suck
ap lang: 8/10, great class, i love the teacher, but doing discussions makes me mad sometimes. some kid said the purpose of school was to get jobs after reading alexie's superman and me, and period ended right as i was going to snap back with some come back. way to ruin my morning. but i like the class.
ap calc ab: 1/10. one point cuz i like my friends. the teacher isn't my favorite and integrals are also not my favorite and i keep doing integral stuff when i should be doing derivative stuff then do derivative stuff when i should be doing integral stuff but it's not that bad. i just have 0 patience for boring things
advanced team sports: 9/10 because it's only one semester long
cartooning: 1/10 really boring but i'll give it a 1 because i can just do my homework so it's like a study period which i really need
spanish: 2/10 really boring but i love the teacher except for the fact that she makes us put our phones in a little cubby thing for the whole period

expected ap scores:
physics: 3 (if i lock in, maybe 4 or 5) but i will actually turn religious if i manage to get a 5
ap world history: 4 (if the dbq prompt is easy and the mcqs aren't written maliciously, maybe a 5)
calc ab: 5
ap lang: 5 if i don't get distracted during the 3 hour time

---

whatever part

i'm lowk losing my passion for volleyball because i have no friends on my team and also because i got on such a good team this year that i feel like i'm outta their league sometimes
but that's ok cuz i got my best friends outside the court!

my teammate had stomach flu, which is like literally my biggest fear atp, and was like "oh it's not as bad as when i had a kidney infection." the way my jaw dropped

we had our mlk assembly in february because of the snow days we had during when the actual assembly was supposed to be. a director of diversity gave this really awesome speech but was yelling into the already loud mic which caused us to suffer in silence for the duration of her speech (20 minutes). also during the assembly somebody screamed "low taper fade" and thats the only thing we remember from it now (except this really good singer who's also in one of my classes and a really good poem)

---

good night guys!

academics // beauty // clothes // anxiety/mindset // procrastination // basically everything
this is strict parent inclusive btw ik this is aops im not gonna hop on and be like "drench yourself in makeup"

so two months ago i was not in the best of places
i was a heavy procrastinator, struggled with maintaining good grades and managing all my aps, was under a lot of anxiety, and (arguably most importantly) was chopped af
in AP lang we learned of the importance of asserting your credentials without sounding egotistical
so how can i help you? well i'll say that i have a ton of aps and i'm happy. speaks for itself

all the guys can skip the makeup section and scroll all the way down to clothes/academics unless youre gay

beauty tips : makeup
i know a ton of people who asked me about this, and i'll give you some tips
i've always been lucky to have parents who are supportive with my makeup demandings, but i know this is often not the case for a lot of people

• working little by little is really important -- if your parents are hesitant about allowing makeup, try appealing to them through little actions. asking for compensation via good grades, earning your own money by doing chores to buy them.
  most of parents who are like this will probably not be willing to send you off on a shopping spree, so here are some good products to start off with:
  - benetint (works as a blush and a tint)
  - skyhigh mascara
  - shiseido eyelash curler (works really well for stubborn asian lashes)
  - rarebeauty bronzer (if you're insecure about a round face/flat nose)
• a tip that always works for me is if your mom or dad has any siblings .. appealing to your aunts, uncles, or grandparents is a great way to have them deal with your strict parents lol. my mom's younger sister is super into beauty so she always supplies me with the products my mom refuses to buy me, plus she's the one who convinced my mom to let me get more piercings! if your parents are stubborn, their siblings or their parents can win them over a lot
• even without makeup, it's possible to glowup!
  - skincare : cleanse, use sunscreen, moisturizer, lip scrub
  - massages can help with facial tension
  - hair: hair oil, natural lightening methods, experimenting with new hairstyles or haircuts
  - lash serum (or if your parents don't let you, aloe vera) and curling your eyelashes makes a big difference

beauty tips : outfits
this was honestly a big one for a lot of my friends (including me) as outfits can be a game changer. again my aunt is the goat in letting my parents allow me to wear crop tops and the other clothes i wear, but i promise you as someone who's allowed to but rarely does (esp in cold months) you can honestly look just as cute without having to.

staples to have:
- jeans in different colors (blue, dark blue, washed blue, black, white, cream, grey)
- different style jeans (flare, baggy, low-rise (my personal favourite))
- off-the-shoulder sweaters
- hoodies
- track pants
- cargo pants
- crewnecks
- base clothes: white tops, black tops, grey tops, things that will never go out of trend
- cardigans/zip-up hoodies
- sweatpants (personal favorite is brandy's)
- tank tops
- uggs shoes (if you can afford them) if not other boots look similar and are just as cute
- tennis shoes from nike / adidas / under armour / etc

things to avoid:
- hoodies with like ugly designs on them or mix a bunch of weird colors ex neon blue and grey / bad quality. go for more simple, some i recommend are abercrombie's, hollister's, or even off amazon.
- sweatpants with cuffs on the bottom. i know this is controversial but honestly it's not it.. go for open-bottomed ones to look more sophisticated
- t-shirts with cringe stuff on it
- those skinny striped adidas pants
- skinny jeans
- ill-fitting clothes : too long, too baggy, too tight -- lowk this is the time of our lives when we have the best body, so keep that in mind if you're feeling insecure
- bikinis/swimsuits that stand out too much, kinda draws away from your tan and face and makes you look bad from a long distance
- contrasting colours / colours that don't look good on you
- baggy pants + big shoes ex i wouldn't wear big boots with sweatpants, probably would go for sneakers with sweatpants
- tight clothes + tiny shoes -- shoes should stand out for better outfit, birkenstocks with a summer outfit is probably my biggest ick ngl

academics : procrastination, workload
honestly i don't have much to say about this. i'm not the smartest, mathiest person in the group, especially in aops, but i have been known to have considerably less studying time with a better outcome. yk the people who piss you off who seem to goof off all the time then get perfect scores on their tests?

i learned to become one of them and here's the trick: while you do your work, you have to enjoy it

right? but it's actually a life changer--if you enjoy what you're doing, you're going to do it better

it's certainly really difficult, but that enjoyment doesn't have to necessarily come from the subject itself. it can come from using cute stationary to motivate yourself, having a good snack next to you, or talking with your parents or even teachers to help yourself like the subject more. if you hate history, try researching some details that are hooking. for example, taking notes for history is tedious, but i found myself interested in bloody mary's story, which made me want to research her more. after knowing that background information, it was more fun to study AP world and make connections.

connecting what you learn in a certain class with other classes or real life situations is really important. in physics, to help me learn the concept of inertia, i was spinning pencils, playing around with toy cars, etc. i already had background information of britain's colonization of india in the past, so when i learned the connecting reasons on why, it completed my puzzle, making it more interesting for me! spitting out facts randomly can help your memory -- like right now, when i'm going to tell you that britain took over india after the sepoy revolution, a revolution started because of a rumor that the new military cartridges were greased with animal fat--which was sacred to hindus!

also a fun thing to do--something i learned from my ap world teacher--is to essentially "realify" your learning
make things funny, unreal, make connections

i've noticed that every time my ap world teaches, she really narrates it like a story, which is super entertaining. like for example when she was talking about britain's failed macartney embassy because china thought britain was bowing down to them, she didn't just say boringly "the british's mission failed due to china's belief of their contribution to the tribute system", she said "the chinese were like "oh my gosh that's soooo sweet of you guys" and didn't think anything of it." ykwim?

mindset
i honestly had probably the worst anxiety spike this year, but some tips that really helped me get over it:
- my mom told me that 96% of your worries never come true, and 3% of those worries that will come true are preventable, and the 1% was bound to happen anyway--so why worry about it?

instead of letting your thoughts run, act on them--my volleyball teammate's dad would always say when she's complaining, "why are you complaining about it when you can do something about it?" and i think that's so right!

if you think you're ugly, instead of drowning in that thought, get up and start experimenting with your makeup.
if you're upset because you can't eat healthy, start slow--bananas and dark chocolate is always my go-to
if you're like "i'm going to fail", start studying so you don't. my personal motivation talk is that a lot of people taking APs are dumb, so if i work hard i can definitely get a 5 in everything because work beats talent
if you want to do something, do it, instead of stressing about it

with emetophobia, i still get anxious when i feel sick, but i've learned that doing something to distract myself really helps.

lastly, give yourself leisure time to hang out with friends and do things you enjoy. sitting at your desk and procrastinating isn't going to do you any good, so might as well accept defeat and "officially" take a break

---

thanks for letting me be your online big sis / influencer or if you're older than me, being your smarter little sister

my cousin came over for the weekend
though i really do like my cousin and he's the closest i'll ever have to the sibling i've always wanted, there were some difficulties
for some reason sour patch/haribo those kinds of gummies don't agree with me, and after friday i had a really upset stomach
also before winter berak i had a lot of tests and was looking forward to just staying at home and relaxing

however, because my cousin came over, i had to go out for almost the whole day and it was super stressful, as someone who was kind of burnt out already

it's a really irrational fear but for some reason restaurants have always made me super anxious. i think it's because at restaurants i feel forced to eat, try new foods, and be self conscious of how i act or what i do. i was also feeling kind of unwell and when i'm unwell i definitely prefer to eat comfort foods at home.

because my cousin came i had to go to like 3 restaurants in the span of 2 days and you probably could guess how that made me feel

so right now, after refusing to barely eat at all of those restaurants and basically having eaten almost nothing for 2 whole days, i'm writing this at almost midnight feeling probably the hungriest i've ever felt in awhile
also super fatigued, cuz i've been out the whole day and days like these remind me i'm a true introvert and couch potato, lol

because these periods of stress and anxiety, they kind of made me think

---

1: hope
the good news i often tell myself is that anxiety gets better when you're older. being a teenager is difficult--hormone levels are at their highest from like ages 12-20 for most people, and anxiety, stress, new surroundings, homework--it can be super duper stressful

but when those hormones stabilize, when you find your people, when you get older you will realize that the things you go through right now are so escapable. things do get better. sometimes when i'm feeling really anxious, like because of a particularly bad stomachache or surrounding like in a restaurant, i tell myself--"this isn't the first time it has happened, and you were fine before."

be so fr--you've never been in a restaurant and something truly bad happened. sure, i avoid somi somi to this day after i got food poisoning from them undercooking their stupid fish bread snack thingies, but hey--i'm fine, i'm chillin. anxiety is something that gets better as you're older, as you truly learn to live, as you realize that things aren't as deep as you make them to be. stay hopeful!

2: anxiety is a dawg
i was reading online when i found something i really liked and wanted to share with everyone:
anxiety is like a dog. it wants to protect you but sometimes it barks at things that it doesn't have to. petting it, comforting it, and telling it that there is no real danger helps.

in the end, anxiety really is there as a mechanism to protect us. always remember that feelings themselves can't hurt you--in fact, they're trying to protect you. the more you're able to differentiate between these two, the better it will get!

3: focusing in the moment
one of my biggest fears, ever since the pandemic and everything, is mental health. i'm so scared of becoming so depressed that i lose hope and passion for life. i'm extremely anxious of tw and that i'll resort to it one day.

however, i try to remind myself that it is merely a feeling. focus in the moment--do i feel like this right now? and this feeling is so preventable. i have great friends i can reach out to, video games i can play for comfort, dogs, cats, goats, even cows at the shelter i can sit with

the 23rd is always one of my most anxious days. the last time i got sick, which triggered this journey with emetophobia, was december 23rd. ever since, i've always been super anxious, avoiding food and just spending the day being sort of stressed. it doesn't help that i have a holiday party tomorrow. but focusing in the moment--just because it happened that time doesn't mean every 23rd is bad. i've had more good 23rds than bads. way more goods, for sure

---

in a way i'm sort of curious. for those willing to answer, how did your parents think of your mental health? what led them to accept you or reach out to therapy?

i lowkey feel like my mindset is fine and i can do without therapy, but i'm very curious. my parents frequently brush off my anxiety and it helps and hurts at the same time. sometimes when you're anxious, you don't need coddling--you need someone to remind you you're being stupid and you're overreacting--crazy, but sometimes my asian parents have helped my anxiety without even knowing it!

i remember at a restaurant i was so anxious i'd get sick that i refused to eat. instead of freaking out, which would have probably amplified my anxiety, my mom rolled her eyes and went, "ur being so stupid" and force fed me. but of course, as a parent, it's important to be kind through the process as well. being sort of gentle, my mom chose a food i often resort to as comfort food.

anyway, i've realized that after the stressful week i've had some weight lifted off my shoulders now that it's break and all. i feel less anxious, in a way. the anxiety i felt was very situational--as soon as i left the restaurant or started feeling better, it'd go away. i think my next step is learning to control the emotions even when situations aren't favorable, but yk, little by little i guess!

-flec!!

i like to write.
i like to write to help others, and sometimes tell a nice story for us
maybe it can even help me.

so anxiety has been something i struggled with for a really long time. most of it was because of emetophobia, when i was a kid. but with not much on my plate, good sleep, support, though i had a worse ability to control it, i rarely was hit with it.

as much as my brain tells myself something's wrong with me, objectively looking at it, high school is fun but stressful. the leap from having manageable work to having exhausting, endless work is huge. pressure is huge. hormones, as much as we ignore them because they're out of plain sight, are huge. ever since a few months ago i found that the sleep deprivation and constant stress got to someone like me. i started feeling anxious a lot.

i found that school, activities were what kept me from being anxious. the times i was in school, volleyball, or other activities--those were the only times where i did not feel anxious. this made me dread breaks, and with winter break comingup just next week i found that i was anticipating anxiety.

so the thing about emetophobia is that it really makes you self conscious about every feeling in your body. some people might brush off being tired, but someone with emetophobia might constantly worry about what is happening to your body. i found that because of all the stress i was feeling physically worse, which in turn made me more anxious, which made me feel physically worse again, etc etc. like a cycle.

the terrible thing about emet is that it's also closely linked to ocd. i unfortunately fell into that. at first it's like, washing your hands, worrying to avoid things you associate with bad, then it turns into the uncontrollable irrational. having lucky numbers. tapping things a certain number. it's not just about being clean.

i'm gonna explain one of my ocd compulsions. so i assign 1=monday, 2=tuesday.. so on and so forth. the number of times i tap an object plus the day number must addup to one of my lucky numbers. hence leading me to constantly feel like i need to tap things or do things a certain way in order to feel secure.

it's a difficult cycle. school is basically like my escape from everything, and even at school sometimes i feel myself feeling more tense and anxious. it oftentimes goes away within some time, but the thing about anxiety is that it always lingers--at one point, like during a stressful event or free-time like winter break, it can come rushing back.

i've considered therapy, all of that, but i realized that before that, there's a chance for me to maybe work it out through documentation. for those with less severe anxiety (not to undermine mild/moderate anxiety, it's still difficult to deal with) i wanted to give myself a chance to work towards my goal--not having to constantly be anxious about being anxious. learning to control anxiety instead of letting it control me.

i found that because of anxiety i was fearing things. i'm very nervous about the future, how i'll do in college when i'm in an unfamiliar surrounding. i'm nervous about summer break, winter break, all of those times where i have free time and it makes me anxious because i'm not in that same cycle with supportive friends, distractions. and most of all, i'm nervous about falling into depression. it most likely won't happen, and i have not experienced it before luckily, but anxiety and ocd has me irrationally worry about hating my life. because i don't want to hate my life or end it--i want to live happily and without burdens.

---

so yeah. i wanted to explain myself a little bit, maybe some background knowledge.

in a way my blog was always a way to document my life and entertain sometimes, give advice yk, but i realized that right now i really want to use it for myself--and in the process, maybe even help others! anxiety, emetophobia, ocd--it's not a problem only i deal with, and i hope others can be more heard and start their recovery process, too.

every 1 or 2 weeks, i'm going to try to write an update here on what i've been working on, how i've been feeling, and what has worked and what hasn't. i learned that explaining my feelings and having support has really helped me to face my feelings.

for a little while i considered making an official blog, like one online, but then i realized--the internet really is a scary place. at one point, i definitely want to spread my writing someplace else, but working with my anxiety and ocd, speaking about it--it's sort of a hard thing to do. and i wanted to stay in my comfort zone for this, which is this blog which has a lot of friends (:

starting point (not trying to be negative, it's just what's going on right now. i want to be honest. maybe when i look back on it some time later, i'm going to be like, oh my gosh i've progressed so far)
- anxious every day, slight hits during school and kind of full on after school and in the evenings. started off as emetophobia, then gradually became anxiety without an actual cause. when i'm not anxious, it feels like my body is anticipating it and making me anxious
- sort of difficult to eat sometimes. mix of emet and just stomach knotting
- anticipation
- ocd compulsions. bed tapping, just tapping in general, typing certain ways, this is just for me. ik what i mean

what i'm going to be trying out:
- affirmations
- emetophobia manual by ken goodman
- simply not doing my compulsions or reducing them
- make plans during break, keep myself entertained, but still deal with my own emotions
- exposure, thinking rationally
- waiting it out, talking it out
- writing--i've been thinking of making a blog for myself, maybe on blogger.com or wordpress. if you got any suggestions, lmk--still deciding between those two platforms
- sleeping more--sleep is so interlinked with how you feel during the day! i currently procrastinate and only sleep like 5-7 hours.. not good

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so this is for us. for my process of recovery, learning to control my own hardships and emotions. and maybe to help others during my process because i've found out that reading about other people who are just like you--helps immensely

anyway if you're here just to read about other things, you can skip. this is entirely for my own purposes and those it concerns, though it always helps to be empathetic towards those different to you. i know i've started this on aops because that's where my blogging root lies, but maybe i will essentially "move out" to try someplace else!

for those who go through every day with struggles, whether they're like mine or not--i know how hard that can be sometimes, and i think we're all very brave

good day everyone! will update in a week or maybe a few days, just to try out the first few days

i'm being so dead serious right now i failed my test completely i have no idea what's going on

i feel like i understand it and completely get a problem
then the next problem is completely different
conceptualization makes no sense

i thought x=x0+v0t+1/2at^2 in freefall was x=0 but now moving on to unit 2 it's apparently change in x =1/2at^2

it is DECEMBER halfway through school we are on unit 2/8

i have never been so cooked before

khan academy? daily vids?

help

please help i need 5 my family friends are taking this class i need to beat them for my personal satisfaction
actually scratch that i just want to pass i am literally going to fail i got a 14/23 on the unit test and somehow got like 100% on the frq I CANT MCQ our class is so bad that it got curved to a 4.1/4 like i am COOKED

we are f'ing fried

help please ik aops people are smart

i broke up with my bf of.. i think almost 9 months?

i was gonna wait to write this, but i realized i wrote an entry the day he asked me out
so i'm gonna keep that trend and write one the very day i broke up with him
maybe it's kind of best to keep it silent a little. there's not much explaining to do, honestly.

maybe there is a lot to say, but it's just gonna become a mess of jumbled words with no clear meaning

we just fail to see each other's perspectives

he loves me a lot, he wants to be shown the love or else he'll think i don't love him anymore

i'm more of an actions speak louder than words

he wants me all the time, and won't get it when i don't feel the same

i need my space

i can see from both of our perspectives. or at least i try to

he can't see from mine. he's blinded by his own love and fails to see how i feel

i've moved on, i've grown, i want a future

he's hungup on the past, all he wants is the past back and he doesn't want to move on with me, and i know to let him stay because it's gonna hurt both of us for me to try to bring him to where i am

in a way i really broke his heart, and that hurts me, too

i don't want to be a heartbreaker in high school, despite the apparent aura, because to me it doesn't even feel like aura

he thinks it was me and him against the world, but i realized i have so much more. i don't want to be limited, i don't want to have to fake myself because he constantly needs my validation to feel like i love him, i want to be able to be with the people who truly uplift me.

it's a little sad because we used to talk about our futures together, but i think i'll be okay

i'm very appreciative to everyone who supported me, gave me advice, and talked to me! in a way i'm sad it's over, but i'm ready to move on and i'm excited for the future

i'm sad i never got to meet his mom, teach volleyball to his sister, hang out with his dog one last time. but i know it's the right thing to do, and as much as he wants me back, i know the bridge is burned and my heart tells me to go somewhere else

he was texting me, sobbing, saying he doesn't get how i feel at all, saying he's sorry and that all we need is a 2 week break. and i said, "no, i don't think a break is gonna solve this." because breaks lead to breakups. and i know i've already left, in a way

while i weirdly felt a little bit free at 1 am after closing my computer, it was a little hard to sleep at night. i felt a little bit anxious, wondering if i was making the right decision. he yelled at me, he screamed, he sobbed, he begged me. and that's not an easy thing to experience, especially when all you hold is positives and you just want the best for both of you guys. then morning came, and it got a little better.

obviously i'll miss it sometimes. we made a lot of good memories. at one point, he was my everything. but i know i'll be okay without him, and one day he will be okay without me, too. i know i'm mature enough to stand my ground against the guilt he's sending my way, and the guilt i hold myself

because i still do love him. i'm proud of the person he's become, i'm proud of him for pushing through his pain. i hold such good feelings, good memories, good lessons. i hope he marries a great girl, i hope he can stay happy with his mom and his sister, and i hope he won't feel lonely. as much as he refuses to believe it, i'm rooting for him.

but like i said, the day he asked me out...

i'm really excited

just kind of bittersweet excitement

who knew that crying in front of my teacher would be the final straw to get my crap together.. (life update)

so a ton of chaos happened recently
i normally hop on aops as soon as something happens, but recently i haven't cared as much for it, but today sitting in class i was like, hey, i met some of my best friends on here, i should hop back on! besides, you can't judge me too much when i'm behind the name "flec" and a cat profile picture

anyways, my calculus teacher and i have recently been having some problems. like problem-problems
as in she has been trying to get things on my permanent record, yelling at me every day, invasion of privacy, looking through my tabs, everything
i got yelled at for going to the bathroom without telling her, she reported me to my counselor, principal, AND my mom because i had my phone out to text my mom i was sick.. excess targeting even though other kids do the exact same thing, etc
i know i'm doing a terrible job of elaborating, but there's just more i haven't shared

so the other day she send an email to my principal, counselor, and my mom, trying to get things on my permanent record and stuff
she took my dad's work phone (which i've been using since my own phone got stolen) and sent it to the office (when she shouldn't have, by the way, she broke the rules and later got reprimanded for it, which led to her treating me worse)
i knew i had to beat her into telling my mom what happened, but literally all of my friends had skipped because it was a half-day friday so i went into one of my teacher's classes to use her phone to call my mom

i just planned for it to be a quick little in and out, i really wished i could've had a private space but at that point i was super desperate to get in contact with her and i had no other way because my phone had been taken

however instead of listening to me my mom started yelling at me over the phone about how it was my fault for everything so it was basically me whisper-screaming trying to tell her what happened while my mom refused to believe me

so by the time the phone call was over i was literally crying, sorta silently but i guess it was noticeable because my teacher came over and wrote me a pass, telling me i can take as much time as i need, just being understanding without judging me or anything because at that moment it felt like no one was on my side. yk when you're trying hard to keep it together then someone comes over and asks "ru ok" and is really kind to you? yeah, that really means a lot .. and makes me emotional, unfortunately and fortunately

as someone who would rather die than cry in front of anyone i thought i'd just take the pass, thank her, and leave, but instead i faced away from her and started sobbing. lowkey i have zero memory of what happened afterward, but i doubt i was coherent enough to form sentences. i know she was asking me thousands of questions, but i basically left her on read in real life..

lowkey afterwards it was just pure panic. i had no idea what to do about it, i didn't mean to do it whatsoever, and it was literally my first time crying in front of anyone in years. i had no idea whether i should send her an essay of apologies, run into her room, grab her shoulders and scream "oh my f'ing god i'm so sorry i don't know what possessed me." but after an evening of reddit scrolling i found out that teachers might be used to that. i might not be the first person to do that, and i guess a teacher just wants to care about her students. so i decided that the best thing for both of us would be to just pretend like it never happened, thank her if it ever came into topic again, but in the meantime just do well in her class and show my thanks through my good attitude and care for her class.

it was surprising, though. it told me that like, despite everything happening, i really did have to get my crap together. i was lucky enough to be in an environment that cared about me, but in the end, this wasn't the image i wanted to present myself as to others. it was a weird feeling to be vulnerable in front of someone, honestly, especially when it was so unplanned for, but it's something that you need to get a lesson out of, let things sting for a little bit, then i guess move on and come back better than before.

---

so i decided to, despite everything, stay in my calc teacher's class, maybe just for the semester or maybe for the rest of the year. in the end i don't know much about her and neither does she.

but what do i know? i know she has 3 kids, she loves her son's girlfriend, she loves celebrating holidays, and she likes pumpkin spice latte. she's human, too, and even if she doesn't treat me right sometimes, she's valuable to those around her.

so maybe if i see her as more of a human alongside me rather than a figure i needed to impress, i would hurt less--i would be less afflicted by her comments. and maybe if i worked even harder, she would notice that too.

i was able to explain things to the admins and switch what might have been trouble into a good understanding. they said i could email them further if i had any problems and that they were understanding of my situation.

---

but i wanted to take my lessons further.

with my parents

seeing them as humans living their first life alongside me as peers has helped me to make peace with them and myself. sometimes i feel envious of those who have had their parents as their role model figure in their lives. i don't know what it's like to have your parents be your best friends, i don't know what it's like to ever get genuine, heartfelt advice from them, or a parental hug when i need one. and in that sort of way it really hurts sometimes, because i feel devoid of the love that everyone else got.

but they love me. they truly care about me. even if they do things that hurt me, their intentions are always, always good. it's their first time living, they make mistakes. they're not exactly what i need sometimes, but i'm lucky to have someone who loves me unconditionally. i see them now as human figures, and that has helped me. even when they yell at me and call me names, i know it's because they want to see me do better. sometimes it's hard to hold back tears, but that's okay. they love me. i know they're trying their best.

and i hope one day they realize i'm trying my best, too

11/18/2024

the awkward gap when you feel like you're losing everything but still hold on to that childhood feeling of happiness, it makes you learn a lot.

i'm not gonna lie, life kind of has sucked these days. i have my people next to me, but i don't got the time and chance to ever talk to them. i'm drowning in lies, work, and lingering feelings of emptiness. sometimes its hard to get out of bed or feel any excitement for the day i have to drag myself through. i feel the pressure of my parents, always having to work, never having the chance to give myself a break.

they found out about my bf, and now every time i try to go on google docs or my chromebook it's "you're texting him"
every time i get a slightly lower grade, it's "dating is ruining her life."
every time i say "it's okay, i got this" it's "no you don't, you lied, you failed, you don't got anything."

and that kind of stuff really brings you down over time. even if you think you can take words, take the little things, you're used to nitpicking and all of that, the subconscious mind is powerful. hearing that every day, every second, toppled with how overloaded i am with the rest i yearn, it really drags me down.

because it hasn't ruined me. my bf has been my biggest supporter for almost a year. he loves me unconditionally. he's there to tell me he's proud of me after a tough game, talk to me over the phone after a long day, and to tell me i'm so amazing and that i've been working so hard. my parents don't get it--he's been kinder to me than they have. they don't understand that i'm here where i am thanks to him, and all they see is how much i spend with him. because i truly love him so much, and he's done so much for me. he's givenup his nights. he's driven me when i was in frantic hot water. he's cried for me. and i'm willing to do that for him, too. it's love. he's not the problem.

my friend's mom called my mom the other day. she told my mom that if she had acted better, maybe i would've trusted her enough to tell her. rough, i know. did she take that? maybe. does she admit that if she did? no. that parental connection is so important in life, but the trust is broken on both sides.

talk to your friends? talk to your bf, they get it, they understand. my phone is taken away, i have a cam in my room, i can't go out anywhere.... i truly feel alone, and that sucks.

as time drags on, i'm faced with that question: why do i do what i do? why do i still try hard, try to smile to others, help others myself, when everything kind of hurts for me, too? there must be something left to hope for. that's my only answer, right?

it's that awkward gap i want to write about. i'm starting to face the pressure. it's been long since my parents have ever comforted or understood me for anything, and it's been long since i've had a free day to just relax.

but i'm not that old. it hasn't been too long since i hung out with my friends every weekend, talked with my bf until 5 in the morning, or talked to my parents about everything. it's that gap where you're trying to adjust to what's going on, but your yearning for the past keeps you from leaping forward faster.

everyone makes that gap one day, but it's about who can let go of the past faster. it's weird, because i'm always the one going, focus on the future, do it for your future, but now i look back and i go dang, i really miss that. dang, i really want that back. dang, i want my secrets back, i want my friends back, i want my parents back, and i want my leisure back.

i haven't always been the kindest person, so i don't ever want to be the one being caught saying "be kind to everyone." it's just ironic. you can't be kind to everyone.
i haven't always been the nicest person, so i don't want to say "i'm such a nice person, i deserve better."
and i certainly am not the most hardworking person, so i don't want to expect anything, either.

i don't think you should make yourself feel better by urging yourself what isn't true. you have to make peace with yourself. make peace with those around you, your situations. find tiny little white lies, music to make you smile, and love people even if they hurt you sometimes.

it's a new kind of happy.

i guess everything becomes a little less important, and maybe once i open a new door i can learn what's truly important in life.

open this image in a new tab. look closely at the bottom right. there's a really small dot. you might need to zoom in to see it closer

carl sagan : a pale blue dot

" Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known. "

---

to every person nervous about the amcs, proving something, trying to find peace with friends, parents, grappling with any fragment of a significant problem

we're not that significant

we're tiny specks of existence on a tiny planet in a large universe

so let's be proud of the fact that we're the only sign of life, at least for now, or at least until we reach a farther, outer world
be kind to the person you don't like
be kind to your parents, it's their first time living too
laugh if someone tries to put you down
forget about your stress, and live while you can

if nothing's important, if we're so small, if we're alone, living out our lives, all we got is each other.

carl sagan isn't remembered as much anymore, but i wanted to share these words

he left a message on mars for the people who would reach there for the first time
it is to be preserved for the next hundreds, maybe thousands of years

it's not as bad as it seems

but if we only got so much left for us in this world, if all we got is each other,

it isn't, it shouldn't, be so hard to be kind