getting older
by flec, Dec 4, 2023, 3:03 AM
sometimes i still feel thirteen or fourteen, but these events really struck me that i'm getting older, even though they're so little.
- i remember one day not too long ago my parents and i had an argument and i accidentally slammed the door without meaning to. even when we fight i usually don't slam the door but this time i was just kicking it closed out of annoyance and i didn't realize that i had kicked it a tad bit too hard, possibly because i was irritated. anyways, it slammed, and my dad was angry and said to get out of here, obviously to yell at me more, and i told him that it was a genuine accident and he probably believed me because he knows i usually don't slam doors. however, he said, "it better not have been, you know what i will do to you if it wasn't" and i told him to not threaten me and i didn't like that. i surprised myself with how quickly i said it without thinking. i had trouble giving quick retorts when i was younger even when my parents/other people would say things that made me uncomfortable or annoyed. afterwards i was just like smiling face with tear because you know, you're growing up and things have changed; you're not an innocent nice kid anymore, but then again i was happy i could finally tell him off. he didn't say anything after that btw, and i assume he was also like smiling face with tear just like i was.
- i had my first argument with my parents about money. basically what happened was that i wanted access to my bank account now so that i could see all the transactions and stuff, because i am 100% sure that my mom took money out of my bank account. although i didn't say that to her i just said i didn't feel safe with someone else managing my money, which i earned from math/art/writing competitions mostly lol because i don't have a job yet, and she got really mad and said that i had to trust her and that i was selfish. i don't even know where that came from but her argument was that "why are you insisting it's your money i spend money on you every day the fact that i can't even use your money is appalling and you're selfish compared to the amount of money i use on you blah blah blah". that was completely irrelevant to what i was saying too because i just wanted to buy some sharkfin slippers and i had 0 money in my account and i pointed out that was impossible. anyways, aside from all of that, just the fact that we argue about money tells me that i'm getting older and i'm caring more. when i was little i would literally give all of my stuff to my mom and it's just telling me that i need more space now, and that my things are my things and i don't feel comfortable when people take them anymore, no matter how much i love them.
- i gatekeep. i don't tell my friends everything anymore and i have more of a wanting to keep my life more private. i don't need to tell them every single word my teacher told me about my flawed assignment or whatever. i want to share my accomplishments with them, but i don't want to carry them through their high school years and be the cause of their success. i used to tell them every trick, every hack in the book i would find out and even did their homework sometimes. i don't want to do that anymore. i want to help them and their success is mine, but i feel like i can't push them anymore. that's their job. of course, i give advice when they ask for it, but it's not going to be like "here is all my notes for the entire year and you can study this to get an a." i want to be there for them during their successes, not be the one for their success. that wouldn't feel right to me.
- arguments don't feel so important anymore. when i was younger, if i knew i wasn't in the wrong i would pour my heart and soul into trying to talk it out with the other person that they either misunderstood me or are being a jerk or something, and it got to the point where i was passionately crying and screaming at the same time. i could never go through an argument with anyone without crying, and i was glad that it was covid when i had most of my arguments with my friends because they wouldn't be able to see me cry. it's hard to explain that i cry because i'm mad, not because i feel bad about what i supposedly did or they apparently did or because i'm trying to guilt-trip them. btw, i do think that crying during arguments is definitely a tactic to trying to weasel out of the consequences, but i think that you should be careful before you accuse someone of that. after all of the years of trying so hard not to cry while fighting and failing, i was finding myself struggling not to roll my eyes while my mom was getting mad at me and even just wishing it was over. my mom was literally accusing me of being a liar and i could not care less and just wanted to go home. i know this makes me sound like a terrible teenager but i think it just means i'm growing up because defending myself doesn't feel as essential as it used to be. i pick my fights, and i never did before.
- i don't fall asleep right away. i think about everything that happened that day and i imagine scenes in my head that go perfectly the way i want them to be. i think it's because things aren't always ideal anymore. when i was little, life was perfect unless i fought with my parents, because they were my guardian angels. life isn't like that anymore, and my way of coping is to lay in bed at night and just think. nothing will be flawless anymore, and the only place that allows me to do whatever i want is inside my head.
- lastly i don't like physical affection anymore. as a little kid i was really clingy to the point where i had to be redshirted and went to an extra year of pre-k as i was so shy and wouldn't leave my mom's side. weirdly though, i loved hugs from my parents and i would literally cry in people's arms as a kid because they were a safety for me. now i know that physical touch and everything is so temporary and it's just momentary comfort. it doesn't mean as much as it used to. it's comforting to have a pat on your shoulder from a friend when you're down, but problems are so much bigger now that it doesn't help as much as it used to. i don't hate it, but i don't see the point of it as much, and i certainly don't crave it from my parents anymore. i haven't cried from sadness in front of them in years, and i haven't talked to them about my personal problems either. they're not the people that i looked up to like a godly figure. i love them so much, but i think of them more as normal people than someone that has no flaws.
This post has been edited 5 times. Last edited by flec, Dec 12, 2023, 7:08 AM
i'm in high school too, and i know how hard it is sometimes especially with getting used to the ap courses.
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