the awkward gap when you feel like you're losing everything but still hold on to that childhood feeling of happiness, it makes you learn a lot.

i'm not gonna lie, life kind of has sucked these days. i have my people next to me, but i don't got the time and chance to ever talk to them. i'm drowning in lies, work, and lingering feelings of emptiness. sometimes its hard to get out of bed or feel any excitement for the day i have to drag myself through. i feel the pressure of my parents, always having to work, never having the chance to give myself a break.

they found out about my bf, and now every time i try to go on google docs or my chromebook it's "you're texting him"
every time i get a slightly lower grade, it's "dating is ruining her life."
every time i say "it's okay, i got this" it's "no you don't, you lied, you failed, you don't got anything."

and that kind of stuff really brings you down over time. even if you think you can take words, take the little things, you're used to nitpicking and all of that, the subconscious mind is powerful. hearing that every day, every second, toppled with how overloaded i am with the rest i yearn, it really drags me down.

because it hasn't ruined me. my bf has been my biggest supporter for almost a year. he loves me unconditionally. he's there to tell me he's proud of me after a tough game, talk to me over the phone after a long day, and to tell me i'm so amazing and that i've been working so hard. my parents don't get it--he's been kinder to me than they have. they don't understand that i'm here where i am thanks to him, and all they see is how much i spend with him. because i truly love him so much, and he's done so much for me. he's givenup his nights. he's driven me when i was in frantic hot water. he's cried for me. and i'm willing to do that for him, too. it's love. he's not the problem.

my friend's mom called my mom the other day. she told my mom that if she had acted better, maybe i would've trusted her enough to tell her. rough, i know. did she take that? maybe. does she admit that if she did? no. that parental connection is so important in life, but the trust is broken on both sides.

talk to your friends? talk to your bf, they get it, they understand. my phone is taken away, i have a cam in my room, i can't go out anywhere.... i truly feel alone, and that sucks.

as time drags on, i'm faced with that question: why do i do what i do? why do i still try hard, try to smile to others, help others myself, when everything kind of hurts for me, too? there must be something left to hope for. that's my only answer, right?

it's that awkward gap i want to write about. i'm starting to face the pressure. it's been long since my parents have ever comforted or understood me for anything, and it's been long since i've had a free day to just relax.

but i'm not that old. it hasn't been too long since i hung out with my friends every weekend, talked with my bf until 5 in the morning, or talked to my parents about everything. it's that gap where you're trying to adjust to what's going on, but your yearning for the past keeps you from leaping forward faster.

everyone makes that gap one day, but it's about who can let go of the past faster. it's weird, because i'm always the one going, focus on the future, do it for your future, but now i look back and i go dang, i really miss that. dang, i really want that back. dang, i want my secrets back, i want my friends back, i want my parents back, and i want my leisure back.

i haven't always been the kindest person, so i don't ever want to be the one being caught saying "be kind to everyone." it's just ironic. you can't be kind to everyone.
i haven't always been the nicest person, so i don't want to say "i'm such a nice person, i deserve better."
and i certainly am not the most hardworking person, so i don't want to expect anything, either.

i don't think you should make yourself feel better by urging yourself what isn't true. you have to make peace with yourself. make peace with those around you, your situations. find tiny little white lies, music to make you smile, and love people even if they hurt you sometimes.

it's a new kind of happy.

i guess everything becomes a little less important, and maybe once i open a new door i can learn what's truly important in life.