who knew that crying in front of my teacher would be the final straw to get my crap together.. (life update)

so a ton of chaos happened recently
i normally hop on aops as soon as something happens, but recently i haven't cared as much for it, but today sitting in class i was like, hey, i met some of my best friends on here, i should hop back on! besides, you can't judge me too much when i'm behind the name "flec" and a cat profile picture

anyways, my calculus teacher and i have recently been having some problems. like problem-problems
as in she has been trying to get things on my permanent record, yelling at me every day, invasion of privacy, looking through my tabs, everything
i got yelled at for going to the bathroom without telling her, she reported me to my counselor, principal, AND my mom because i had my phone out to text my mom i was sick.. excess targeting even though other kids do the exact same thing, etc
i know i'm doing a terrible job of elaborating, but there's just more i haven't shared

so the other day she send an email to my principal, counselor, and my mom, trying to get things on my permanent record and stuff
she took my dad's work phone (which i've been using since my own phone got stolen) and sent it to the office (when she shouldn't have, by the way, she broke the rules and later got reprimanded for it, which led to her treating me worse)
i knew i had to beat her into telling my mom what happened, but literally all of my friends had skipped because it was a half-day friday so i went into one of my teacher's classes to use her phone to call my mom

i just planned for it to be a quick little in and out, i really wished i could've had a private space but at that point i was super desperate to get in contact with her and i had no other way because my phone had been taken

however instead of listening to me my mom started yelling at me over the phone about how it was my fault for everything so it was basically me whisper-screaming trying to tell her what happened while my mom refused to believe me

so by the time the phone call was over i was literally crying, sorta silently but i guess it was noticeable because my teacher came over and wrote me a pass, telling me i can take as much time as i need, just being understanding without judging me or anything because at that moment it felt like no one was on my side. yk when you're trying hard to keep it together then someone comes over and asks "ru ok" and is really kind to you? yeah, that really means a lot .. and makes me emotional, unfortunately and fortunately

as someone who would rather die than cry in front of anyone i thought i'd just take the pass, thank her, and leave, but instead i faced away from her and started sobbing. lowkey i have zero memory of what happened afterward, but i doubt i was coherent enough to form sentences. i know she was asking me thousands of questions, but i basically left her on read in real life..

lowkey afterwards it was just pure panic. i had no idea what to do about it, i didn't mean to do it whatsoever, and it was literally my first time crying in front of anyone in years. i had no idea whether i should send her an essay of apologies, run into her room, grab her shoulders and scream "oh my f'ing god i'm so sorry i don't know what possessed me." but after an evening of reddit scrolling i found out that teachers might be used to that. i might not be the first person to do that, and i guess a teacher just wants to care about her students. so i decided that the best thing for both of us would be to just pretend like it never happened, thank her if it ever came into topic again, but in the meantime just do well in her class and show my thanks through my good attitude and care for her class.

it was surprising, though. it told me that like, despite everything happening, i really did have to get my crap together. i was lucky enough to be in an environment that cared about me, but in the end, this wasn't the image i wanted to present myself as to others. it was a weird feeling to be vulnerable in front of someone, honestly, especially when it was so unplanned for, but it's something that you need to get a lesson out of, let things sting for a little bit, then i guess move on and come back better than before.

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so i decided to, despite everything, stay in my calc teacher's class, maybe just for the semester or maybe for the rest of the year. in the end i don't know much about her and neither does she.

but what do i know? i know she has 3 kids, she loves her son's girlfriend, she loves celebrating holidays, and she likes pumpkin spice latte. she's human, too, and even if she doesn't treat me right sometimes, she's valuable to those around her.

so maybe if i see her as more of a human alongside me rather than a figure i needed to impress, i would hurt less--i would be less afflicted by her comments. and maybe if i worked even harder, she would notice that too.

i was able to explain things to the admins and switch what might have been trouble into a good understanding. they said i could email them further if i had any problems and that they were understanding of my situation.

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but i wanted to take my lessons further.

with my parents

seeing them as humans living their first life alongside me as peers has helped me to make peace with them and myself. sometimes i feel envious of those who have had their parents as their role model figure in their lives. i don't know what it's like to have your parents be your best friends, i don't know what it's like to ever get genuine, heartfelt advice from them, or a parental hug when i need one. and in that sort of way it really hurts sometimes, because i feel devoid of the love that everyone else got.

but they love me. they truly care about me. even if they do things that hurt me, their intentions are always, always good. it's their first time living, they make mistakes. they're not exactly what i need sometimes, but i'm lucky to have someone who loves me unconditionally. i see them now as human figures, and that has helped me. even when they yell at me and call me names, i know it's because they want to see me do better. sometimes it's hard to hold back tears, but that's okay. they love me. i know they're trying their best.

and i hope one day they realize i'm trying my best, too

11/18/2024