i broke up with my bf of.. i think almost 9 months?

i was gonna wait to write this, but i realized i wrote an entry the day he asked me out
so i'm gonna keep that trend and write one the very day i broke up with him
maybe it's kind of best to keep it silent a little. there's not much explaining to do, honestly.

maybe there is a lot to say, but it's just gonna become a mess of jumbled words with no clear meaning

we just fail to see each other's perspectives

he loves me a lot, he wants to be shown the love or else he'll think i don't love him anymore

i'm more of an actions speak louder than words

he wants me all the time, and won't get it when i don't feel the same

i need my space

i can see from both of our perspectives. or at least i try to

he can't see from mine. he's blinded by his own love and fails to see how i feel

i've moved on, i've grown, i want a future

he's hungup on the past, all he wants is the past back and he doesn't want to move on with me, and i know to let him stay because it's gonna hurt both of us for me to try to bring him to where i am

in a way i really broke his heart, and that hurts me, too

i don't want to be a heartbreaker in high school, despite the apparent aura, because to me it doesn't even feel like aura

he thinks it was me and him against the world, but i realized i have so much more. i don't want to be limited, i don't want to have to fake myself because he constantly needs my validation to feel like i love him, i want to be able to be with the people who truly uplift me.

it's a little sad because we used to talk about our futures together, but i think i'll be okay

i'm very appreciative to everyone who supported me, gave me advice, and talked to me! in a way i'm sad it's over, but i'm ready to move on and i'm excited for the future

i'm sad i never got to meet his mom, teach volleyball to his sister, hang out with his dog one last time. but i know it's the right thing to do, and as much as he wants me back, i know the bridge is burned and my heart tells me to go somewhere else

he was texting me, sobbing, saying he doesn't get how i feel at all, saying he's sorry and that all we need is a 2 week break. and i said, "no, i don't think a break is gonna solve this." because breaks lead to breakups. and i know i've already left, in a way

while i weirdly felt a little bit free at 1 am after closing my computer, it was a little hard to sleep at night. i felt a little bit anxious, wondering if i was making the right decision. he yelled at me, he screamed, he sobbed, he begged me. and that's not an easy thing to experience, especially when all you hold is positives and you just want the best for both of you guys. then morning came, and it got a little better.

obviously i'll miss it sometimes. we made a lot of good memories. at one point, he was my everything. but i know i'll be okay without him, and one day he will be okay without me, too. i know i'm mature enough to stand my ground against the guilt he's sending my way, and the guilt i hold myself

because i still do love him. i'm proud of the person he's become, i'm proud of him for pushing through his pain. i hold such good feelings, good memories, good lessons. i hope he marries a great girl, i hope he can stay happy with his mom and his sister, and i hope he won't feel lonely. as much as he refuses to believe it, i'm rooting for him.

but like i said, the day he asked me out...

i'm really excited

just kind of bittersweet excitement