i like to write.
i like to write to help others, and sometimes tell a nice story for us
maybe it can even help me.

so anxiety has been something i struggled with for a really long time. most of it was because of emetophobia, when i was a kid. but with not much on my plate, good sleep, support, though i had a worse ability to control it, i rarely was hit with it.

as much as my brain tells myself something's wrong with me, objectively looking at it, high school is fun but stressful. the leap from having manageable work to having exhausting, endless work is huge. pressure is huge. hormones, as much as we ignore them because they're out of plain sight, are huge. ever since a few months ago i found that the sleep deprivation and constant stress got to someone like me. i started feeling anxious a lot.

i found that school, activities were what kept me from being anxious. the times i was in school, volleyball, or other activities--those were the only times where i did not feel anxious. this made me dread breaks, and with winter break comingup just next week i found that i was anticipating anxiety.

so the thing about emetophobia is that it really makes you self conscious about every feeling in your body. some people might brush off being tired, but someone with emetophobia might constantly worry about what is happening to your body. i found that because of all the stress i was feeling physically worse, which in turn made me more anxious, which made me feel physically worse again, etc etc. like a cycle.

the terrible thing about emet is that it's also closely linked to ocd. i unfortunately fell into that. at first it's like, washing your hands, worrying to avoid things you associate with bad, then it turns into the uncontrollable irrational. having lucky numbers. tapping things a certain number. it's not just about being clean.

i'm gonna explain one of my ocd compulsions. so i assign 1=monday, 2=tuesday.. so on and so forth. the number of times i tap an object plus the day number must addup to one of my lucky numbers. hence leading me to constantly feel like i need to tap things or do things a certain way in order to feel secure.

it's a difficult cycle. school is basically like my escape from everything, and even at school sometimes i feel myself feeling more tense and anxious. it oftentimes goes away within some time, but the thing about anxiety is that it always lingers--at one point, like during a stressful event or free-time like winter break, it can come rushing back.

i've considered therapy, all of that, but i realized that before that, there's a chance for me to maybe work it out through documentation. for those with less severe anxiety (not to undermine mild/moderate anxiety, it's still difficult to deal with) i wanted to give myself a chance to work towards my goal--not having to constantly be anxious about being anxious. learning to control anxiety instead of letting it control me.

i found that because of anxiety i was fearing things. i'm very nervous about the future, how i'll do in college when i'm in an unfamiliar surrounding. i'm nervous about summer break, winter break, all of those times where i have free time and it makes me anxious because i'm not in that same cycle with supportive friends, distractions. and most of all, i'm nervous about falling into depression. it most likely won't happen, and i have not experienced it before luckily, but anxiety and ocd has me irrationally worry about hating my life. because i don't want to hate my life or end it--i want to live happily and without burdens.

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so yeah. i wanted to explain myself a little bit, maybe some background knowledge.

in a way my blog was always a way to document my life and entertain sometimes, give advice yk, but i realized that right now i really want to use it for myself--and in the process, maybe even help others! anxiety, emetophobia, ocd--it's not a problem only i deal with, and i hope others can be more heard and start their recovery process, too.

every 1 or 2 weeks, i'm going to try to write an update here on what i've been working on, how i've been feeling, and what has worked and what hasn't. i learned that explaining my feelings and having support has really helped me to face my feelings.

for a little while i considered making an official blog, like one online, but then i realized--the internet really is a scary place. at one point, i definitely want to spread my writing someplace else, but working with my anxiety and ocd, speaking about it--it's sort of a hard thing to do. and i wanted to stay in my comfort zone for this, which is this blog which has a lot of friends (:

starting point (not trying to be negative, it's just what's going on right now. i want to be honest. maybe when i look back on it some time later, i'm going to be like, oh my gosh i've progressed so far)
- anxious every day, slight hits during school and kind of full on after school and in the evenings. started off as emetophobia, then gradually became anxiety without an actual cause. when i'm not anxious, it feels like my body is anticipating it and making me anxious
- sort of difficult to eat sometimes. mix of emet and just stomach knotting
- anticipation
- ocd compulsions. bed tapping, just tapping in general, typing certain ways, this is just for me. ik what i mean

what i'm going to be trying out:
- affirmations
- emetophobia manual by ken goodman
- simply not doing my compulsions or reducing them
- make plans during break, keep myself entertained, but still deal with my own emotions
- exposure, thinking rationally
- waiting it out, talking it out
- writing--i've been thinking of making a blog for myself, maybe on blogger.com or wordpress. if you got any suggestions, lmk--still deciding between those two platforms
- sleeping more--sleep is so interlinked with how you feel during the day! i currently procrastinate and only sleep like 5-7 hours.. not good

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so this is for us. for my process of recovery, learning to control my own hardships and emotions. and maybe to help others during my process because i've found out that reading about other people who are just like you--helps immensely

anyway if you're here just to read about other things, you can skip. this is entirely for my own purposes and those it concerns, though it always helps to be empathetic towards those different to you. i know i've started this on aops because that's where my blogging root lies, but maybe i will essentially "move out" to try someplace else!

for those who go through every day with struggles, whether they're like mine or not--i know how hard that can be sometimes, and i think we're all very brave

good day everyone! will update in a week or maybe a few days, just to try out the first few days