my cousin came over for the weekend
though i really do like my cousin and he's the closest i'll ever have to the sibling i've always wanted, there were some difficulties
for some reason sour patch/haribo those kinds of gummies don't agree with me, and after friday i had a really upset stomach
also before winter berak i had a lot of tests and was looking forward to just staying at home and relaxing

however, because my cousin came over, i had to go out for almost the whole day and it was super stressful, as someone who was kind of burnt out already

it's a really irrational fear but for some reason restaurants have always made me super anxious. i think it's because at restaurants i feel forced to eat, try new foods, and be self conscious of how i act or what i do. i was also feeling kind of unwell and when i'm unwell i definitely prefer to eat comfort foods at home.

because my cousin came i had to go to like 3 restaurants in the span of 2 days and you probably could guess how that made me feel

so right now, after refusing to barely eat at all of those restaurants and basically having eaten almost nothing for 2 whole days, i'm writing this at almost midnight feeling probably the hungriest i've ever felt in awhile
also super fatigued, cuz i've been out the whole day and days like these remind me i'm a true introvert and couch potato, lol

because these periods of stress and anxiety, they kind of made me think

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1: hope
the good news i often tell myself is that anxiety gets better when you're older. being a teenager is difficult--hormone levels are at their highest from like ages 12-20 for most people, and anxiety, stress, new surroundings, homework--it can be super duper stressful

but when those hormones stabilize, when you find your people, when you get older you will realize that the things you go through right now are so escapable. things do get better. sometimes when i'm feeling really anxious, like because of a particularly bad stomachache or surrounding like in a restaurant, i tell myself--"this isn't the first time it has happened, and you were fine before."

be so fr--you've never been in a restaurant and something truly bad happened. sure, i avoid somi somi to this day after i got food poisoning from them undercooking their stupid fish bread snack thingies, but hey--i'm fine, i'm chillin. anxiety is something that gets better as you're older, as you truly learn to live, as you realize that things aren't as deep as you make them to be. stay hopeful!

2: anxiety is a dawg
i was reading online when i found something i really liked and wanted to share with everyone:
anxiety is like a dog. it wants to protect you but sometimes it barks at things that it doesn't have to. petting it, comforting it, and telling it that there is no real danger helps.

in the end, anxiety really is there as a mechanism to protect us. always remember that feelings themselves can't hurt you--in fact, they're trying to protect you. the more you're able to differentiate between these two, the better it will get!

3: focusing in the moment
one of my biggest fears, ever since the pandemic and everything, is mental health. i'm so scared of becoming so depressed that i lose hope and passion for life. i'm extremely anxious of tw and that i'll resort to it one day.

however, i try to remind myself that it is merely a feeling. focus in the moment--do i feel like this right now? and this feeling is so preventable. i have great friends i can reach out to, video games i can play for comfort, dogs, cats, goats, even cows at the shelter i can sit with

the 23rd is always one of my most anxious days. the last time i got sick, which triggered this journey with emetophobia, was december 23rd. ever since, i've always been super anxious, avoiding food and just spending the day being sort of stressed. it doesn't help that i have a holiday party tomorrow. but focusing in the moment--just because it happened that time doesn't mean every 23rd is bad. i've had more good 23rds than bads. way more goods, for sure

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in a way i'm sort of curious. for those willing to answer, how did your parents think of your mental health? what led them to accept you or reach out to therapy?

i lowkey feel like my mindset is fine and i can do without therapy, but i'm very curious. my parents frequently brush off my anxiety and it helps and hurts at the same time. sometimes when you're anxious, you don't need coddling--you need someone to remind you you're being stupid and you're overreacting--crazy, but sometimes my asian parents have helped my anxiety without even knowing it!

i remember at a restaurant i was so anxious i'd get sick that i refused to eat. instead of freaking out, which would have probably amplified my anxiety, my mom rolled her eyes and went, "ur being so stupid" and force fed me. but of course, as a parent, it's important to be kind through the process as well. being sort of gentle, my mom chose a food i often resort to as comfort food.

anyway, i've realized that after the stressful week i've had some weight lifted off my shoulders now that it's break and all. i feel less anxious, in a way. the anxiety i felt was very situational--as soon as i left the restaurant or started feeling better, it'd go away. i think my next step is learning to control the emotions even when situations aren't favorable, but yk, little by little i guess!

-flec!!